Tales of a brownie
by SlashEmperorEdem
Summary: As Rin begins her education as a member of the Mage's Association Shirou must face his greatest challenges yet as a janitor of the Clock Tower. The brownie of Homurahara will be faced with the dangers of British cafeteria food, card tricks, and a cult that keeps claiming he destroyed Atlantis.
1. The brownie arrives

CH1 The Brownie arrives

As Rin begins her education as a member of the Mage's Association Shirou must face his greatest challenges yet as a janitor of the Clock Tower. The brownie of Homurahara will be faced with the dangers of British cafeteria food, card tricks, and a cult that keeps claiming he destroyed Atlantis. But more importantly, is this finally Wavers chance to rid himself the position of the number one man female students would like to sleep with? Probably not.

Disclaimer: Fate Stay Night and all related works are the property of Type-Moon (and I suppose what ever companies that have contractual claims too. Bleh). All additional content out side of Type-Moon belongs to their respective owners. I do not make any money off of this and only write because it occasionally amuses me.

Chapter Content Warning: semi-Crack fic - do not take seriously.

Chapter Posted: 06-17-2017

Chapter Updated: 06-21-2017 (minor changes), 07-08-2017 (removed Shirou's contract and made some heavy changes or additions to Scenes 3 Shirou POV and 4 Waver POV)

AN0: Expecting frequent updates is the path to disappointment. A great deal of disappointment.

CHAPTER START 1

"This assignment is simply cruel and unusual punishment" mused Zelretch as he irritably tapped his fingers on the large oak desk he sat at. Not a single soul living or otherwise heard him in the empty spacious chamber that served as the Clock Towers administrative nerve center.

The room was left mostly unlit for Zelretch as a vampire had little need for light. No need to waste electricity and all that. Apparently environmentalism was some new hip trend for the youngsters these days.

The day was a special day for the Association that happened only twice a year. Thus resulting in the usual members of the administrative faculty being absent from the room. Unfortunately, Zelretch found himself banished to the administrative room by the unanimous vote of every department head in the Clock Tower. Again.

He had a rather high suspicion that the reason his lonesome self was assigned this position was that the odds of someone coming here were nigh zero on this day. How terribly droll and boring.

The only bright side was that this time he was hardly the only one banned from…

Zelretch's reminiscence were abruptly cut short as a door opened with a creak that sounded booming and ominous in the otherwise quite and dark room. The door fully opened to reveal a red haired young man with amber eyes and a body accentuated by a brilliant halo of light from behind.

The boy seemed oddly familiar to the aged vampire…

"I'm sorry but is this the admissions desk?" the young man asked with a slight accent as he walked up to Zelretch with an earnest smile.

"I think it is a bit late to be signing up as a student considering that the commencement ceremony for the new term will be starting at any moment" stated Zelretch with an eyebrow arched in genuine confusion. Throughout his many centuries of un-life Zelretch had received many differing reactions from those who had suddenly found themselves alone in a dark room with him.

Smiling had never been one of them.

"Ah, I'm not asking to enroll as a student. I was hoping that there might be some job postings available here" said the young man as he rubbed the back of his head with that damnable smile still on his face "my girlfried is starting as a student here this semester and brought me along as her apprentice. However, since I'm in some financial trouble I figured that I should try to get a job so that I don't end up as a burden for her."

"Oh, if that is all then allow me to assist you, my name is Kischur Zelretch Schweinorg, but most people simply call me Zelretch" stated the vampire before blinking his eyes in confusion after the boy had not so much as twitched upon hearing the name "…are there any jobs in particular that you are looking for?"

Either the boy was completely oblivious to the ongoings of the moon lit world or the young man literally had nerves of steel…

"My name is Shirou Emiya and this might sound silly, but…" the red head replied before giving the sappiest and damnedest most sincere smile Zelretch had ever seen "…I would like to be employed as a Hero of Justice."

Zelretch momentarily spasmed as he felt a strange and unusual flutter in his undead heart at the raw emotion displayed before him. Completely unfamiliar with the sensation, Zelretch immediately assumed that this novel new experience was poisoning and decided keep a better eye on the cooking staff. If Barthomeloi had finally found a poison that could effect him even slightly then he would have to keep his guard up for the obvious next trial run.

Sometimes being the only not dead undead around for Lorelei to test her vampire killing weapons on could be such a drag…

Pulling out a stack of papers from his desks drawer the vampire quickly found what he was looking for. As he had suspected, the break between terms had given the Association's Enforcers enough time to find plenty of research material and sealing designates for the various departments.

The autopsy labs were completely filled to capacity.

"I'm sorry, but I'm afraid that we don't have any available openings for heroes at the moment" Zelretch muttered aloud as he continued to leaf through more papers "let me check to see what openings we do have."

Not that he would ever admit it out loud, but somewhere deep inside Zelretch was honestly a little concerned about the young mans love life. Asking to be dissected for your girlfriends convenience was not normal. Not even for magi.

Ok, so maybe it was a little normal among Magi.

"Surprisingly, it would appear that there aren't any listed positions available right now" mused Zelretch as he skimmed through several documents covering the requests made by the twelve departments "it would appear that a relatively small number of our staff died during the summer break than usual. Only two deaths from interdepartmental assassinations, another four from research experiments that went horrifyingly wrong, and lastly one death from an experiment that went horrifyingly right. They were all easily replaced with our back up roster for the usual summer break losses."

The boys horrified look left Zelretch feeling a little miffed. People were getting far too soft these days. He briefly wondered how the boy would react if told about how bad christmas break losses usually were. The Holy Church always got a little kill happy with the heretics around that time of the year.

"What would you say your best skills are?" asked Zelretch wondering if he could find some alternative position for the clearly hopeless boy.

"I'm decent at cleaning, repair, and cooking" listed Shirou as his face became serious with an inner fire not normally found in the generic run of the mill magi. With a face like that Zelretch started to feel some hope that the boy wasn't a completely lost cause in the cut throat world of magus politics.

Perhaps this boy could be interesting to keep around after all…

"I suppose I could hire you as my personal janitor. Having someone to clean up and fix all of my mistakes would greatly increase my productivity" admitted Zelretch as he scratched his small beard pondering how long it would take for his newest plaything to break.

"I would be greatly honored" replied Shirou as he gave a small bow in thanks to his new employer "I can work afternoons and evenings after my mornings classes."

"Excellent, now lets check out your qualifications then" stated Zelretch as he brought out a pen and paper to take notes "what if any mental disorders or illnesses do you posses?"

"Huh?" asked Shirou tilting his head before hesitantly answering "…I can't say I have anything official but a lot of people seem to believe that I suffer from workaholism, foot in the mouth disease, extreme survivors guilt, idiotically heroic tendencies, and a general lack of common sense."

"Hmm, very impressive. In fact, most of are custodial staff don't start to get survivors guilt until several months into the job" said Zelretch nodding to himself in satisfaction "I'd say that you are definitely overqualified for an entry level position. By starting off at extreme levels while tacking on everything else I think we can have you start off at a senior position."

"Thank you?" asked Shirou more confused than anything else.

"Lets get the paperwork out of the way first and then we can head up to my lab and office" said Zelretch as he looked around the still eerily dark nerve center of the Clock Tower "it's not as if anyone else will need me."

SCENE BREAK 2

For Rin Tohsaka, today was a momentous occasion only surpassed by those days she had spent fighting for her life in the holy grail war. Today she would become an official student of the Mage's Association and begin her studies at the revered facilities of the Clock Tower.

Standing amidst countless other prospective new students in the marbled grand hall of the Clock Tower's main auditorium left her breath taken and nervous about what was to come. That was not to say she was nervous about the ceremony itself but rather the future challenges ahead of her.

As much as Rin thrived on challenges, she knew that her ethnicity would be looked down upon despite her genius and credentials. Not that the Mage's Association was exactly racist, but they certainly didn't look upon those they viewed as coming from back water countries favorably. Worse yet, she had no support from any of the other magus families gathered here to call upon for political support.

Though in all honesty, she had to admit that her pride would have prevented her from asking for help in the first place.

Her status as the winner of the fifth grail war wouldn't do her any good either for the ritual as a whole was largely unknown and irrelevant to the majority of the moon lit world. A rather good thing Rin admitted to herself in retrospect considering what she had learned after the war. Letting the rest of the moon lit world know that the true purpose of the ritual was to punch a hole directly to Akasha would not be good for her health as the overseer of the lands where the ritual took place. Especially if it became public that she planned to disband said ritual.

Hopefully her status as an average one who commanded all five of the main elements would reduce the number of detractors that she might face.

Taking a deep breath Rin used a simple breathing technique from her martial arts training to sooth her nerves. The loud chattering of her future peers gave Rin a reassurance that even magi were still ultimately humans. Rin returned her attention to the ongoings of the gathered assembly vying to gather what information she could.

Within the room there were several grand overarching balconies overlooking the main floor where Rin herself along with the other new initiates stood. Upon all but the main platform at the front where many of the older students, instructors, and even several of the lesser ranking nobility. They stared down at the gathering below them dissecting the new students with their eyes to seek out those with potential and those who were nothing more than prey.

The new students were pieces at an exhibit to be judged and critiqued by those who had already earned their places in the social order. Or those born into the right families, but no one really liked to talk about nepotism all that much. The new students who succeeded and caught the eyes of those in the higher tiers of the food chain would advance through the ranks. Those who failed would be discarded and left to the tender mercies of everyone else.

A small part of her was secretly glad that Shirou as her apprentice was not an official member of the Mage's Association and thus didn't have to attend this ceremony that was more akin to a den of vultures. The boy with his open sincerity and heart of gold was rather hopeless at these types of things.

With a hidden smirk Rin turned away from the balconies. Between her perfect student facade, work ethic, and natural genius Rin would make sure that by the time her education was finished she would be standing at the top as one of the best students ever produced by the Clock Tower.

There was absolutely no way that her master plan could possibly fail!

"Ho ho ho ho" came out a haughty feminine laugh from nearby causing Rin to turn as she instinctively sensed a rival predator in the area. Centuries of social instinct engraved in the genetic code of the female gender took over and all higher thought processes were immediately turned off as the fight of flight compulsion took hold.

Rin found herself staring into the eyes of a frilly dressed blond women with hair curled into several long drills. The young women's red eyes turned to stare back at Rin with a glint as the age old fight for dominance between rival predators began anew.

Only one could remain standing at the apex of the food chain.

It was precisely around this moment that the main balcony that had once been empty was occupied by eleven of the twelve high lords of the clock tower. Taking the lead was, Lorelei Barthomeloi, the queen of the Clock Tower herself.

And it was also precisely around this moment that a series of explosions from elsewhere in the Clock Tower shook the room providing all the excuses anyone could ever need.

From there the first of many spells and curses started flying…

SCENE BREAK 3

The interior of Zelretch office was mind bogglingly massive. There could be little doubt that the interior of the room was orders of magnitude larger than what the outside could possibly allow for. Simply by peering into the room it became apparent that several football stadiums could easily fit inside by the very fact that, for reasons unknown to anyone reasonably sane, there were in fact several football stadiums inside the room. The titanic walls of the room reaching out into a blue sky only made it all the more surreal.

Shirou Emiya who had signed a one year contract that paid a daily commission for having the whole room cleaned by the end of each night quickly realized that he had been duped.

A rather problematic turn of events all things considered after having found out that his inheritance and life savings had all mysteriously disappeared by the end of the fifth grail war. Something that Shirou honestly wouldn't have minded if it weren't for how much traveling around to save people would cost.

The only consolation was that Shirou had been allowed to put in a few amendments of his own into the contract that would let him pursue his path as a hero of justice even while on the job. Even better was that Zelretch's own amendments would also allow Shirou save people in ways not normally possible to the average magus. Shirou had already admitted to the hypocrisy of his ideals so he really didn't see a reason for him to not take advantage of the situation.

"You better get started" the vampire said with a smug smile as he looked at a silver pocket watch fashioned to a chain "you have a little under eight hours to get the room cleaned."

Turning to his amused new employer Shirou gave a quick unenthusiastic salute in response and brought out his cleaning supplies. A splintered wooden broom, a dust pan, a rusty bucket with holes, a bar of soap, and a rotting mop. This might be harder than he thought.

Recent events may have successfully convinced the department heads to have light bulbs installed throughout the Clock Tower, but technologies such as vacuum cleaners were still a full century ahead of anything else that was socially acceptable by the magus nobility that ruled the institution.

Or so Zelretch claimed. Shirou was more inclined to believe that his new employer was just a massive troll and wanted to make this as difficult as possible for all parties involved. After all, Shirou had seen at least one man walking around playing a portable gaming system.

Fortunately, Shirou had become very good at cleaning large areas after having owned what amounted to a small mansion in the years since his adoptive fathers passing. And all of that was before he had started to properly learn magecraft under Rin's tutelage. It still wouldn't be enough, but never let it be said that Shirou was the type to give up just because of silly concepts such as 'common sense' or 'reality.'

"Trace on" stated Shirou using his catch phrase to activate his magic circuits. Using alteration Shirou changed the broom into a slightly more manageable form and then used reinforcement to enhance the concept of moving dust and dirt.

Hopefully he would be able to achieve the output of an industrial grade fan…

"An interesting and practical approach to the basics. I think I feel a little inspired to go for something practical and basic myself today" mused Zelretch before turning away and motioning for Shirou to observe with a smirk "though I think that my bace level might be a little higher."

With a simple wave of his hand a sword shaped mystic code commonly known as an azoth dagger appeared in a kaleidoscope of colors and fell into the waiting vampires hands. With a flourish the elderly man twirled the knife once checking for any imperfections with a practiced eye.

"It always feels nice to immediately have anything I need for my experiments with a simple wave of the hand" mused Zelretch with a gentle fondness in his voice before turning to Shirou with an amused smirk "here, I'll even let you have this one as an early bonus payment considering your little financial situation."

"Was that it?" asked Shirou as he accepted the dagger in confusion "for all that drama I was kind of expecting something a little less lame."

Shirou was willing to admit to himself that having witnessed the varied powers and abilities of servants had possibly skewed his perceptions a bit on the awesomeness scale for magecraft. That didn't mean he was going to lower the standards of his scale just for the new boss. Pulling a random sword out of thin air? That might have qualified for a four out of ten if he had at least managed a noble phantasm.

"Not impressive you say?" questioned Zelretch with a single eye brow raised "I just used a multi-directional refraction phenomenon to shift the history of the entire world and you act as if thats just some common magus parlor trick like projection and reinforcement."

"Multi-directional refraction…" pondered Shirou as his eyes scrunched up in thought "…isn't that a technique learned by trying to kill swallows?"

"…Why yes, yes it is…" admitted Zelretch stiffly before snapping his fingers.

In front of the duo a large mind numbing portal formed in a kaleidoscope of colors that clawed at the soul and would shatter any one of a weak constitution. Naturally, Zelretch who was use to looking at things that mortal minds ought not to was completely unaffected. Shirou who had already had his mind shattered by all of the worlds evils at the tender age of eight and had later laid eyes upon the primordial sword of rapture was himself fairly resistant to the unimaginable horrors that spewed into reality.

"Did you know that one of the greatest dangers of the second magic is drawing the attention of those who lurk between worlds" lectured Zelretch with an outstretched hand dramatically pointed towards the portal that led into the abyss.

Shirou Emiya stared into the abyss… and nothing stared back.

"…Ah, just wait a moment" said Zelretch as he awkwardly pulled out a small plastic toy robot from out of his pocket "sometimes they get a little lazy and you have to bait them out. I still don't understand it myself but they seem to have a taste for Japanese merchandise."

Zelretch tossed the toy up into the air and then proceeded to annihilate the innocent gunpla in a kaleidoscope of colors. With a howl of rage a very angry and very massive tentacled form crawled its way out of the gaping wound in the world with shocking speed and soon towered over even the stadiums.

Shirou Emiya who had read through various manga and comic books to study the types of monsters a hero of justice was expected to face had only one question.

"Is that a Nyarlathotep?"

The Crawling Chaos made a warbling scream of rage at Zelretch as its countless eyes burned in unholy fury. Tentacles with the raw power to crush humans with nothing more than a flick thrashed in the air preparing to strike their target. A mind numbing alien sensation permeated around the creature like an oily cloak awaiting to erode the minds of the weak willed.

And Shirou just so happened to have the misfortune of standing between the demon and its target.

"Well, at least things can't get any worse" muttered Shirou as he stared up at the monstrosity that looked like it could snap Berserker like a twig. Then, as if just to prove him wrong, another primordial horror popped into existence almost as large and at least twice as horrifying as the previous one.

Shirou's fingers started to twitch.

There really had to be some kind of a limit as to how far a low luck ranking could bend reality. The flabbergasted expression on Zelretch's face showed that he at the very least agreed with that sentiment as they both stared blankly at the two colossal demons.

"…At least things can't possibly get any worse now" said Shirou certain that the world could not possibly hate him that much. Yet to his dismay, another titanic soul devouring demon appeared in a miasma of dark colors that ate away at reality.

"…What are you doing" asked Zelretch with a morbid sense of horror creeping into his voice as he stared at the young man who was somehow assembling an army of demons in his office through nothing more than raw determination and a low luck ranking.

"I want to find out just how far this depravity goes" said Shirou with an unamused curiosity. Just how much could the world possibly hate him and what possible applications might that have? Perhaps he could weaponize that hatred… with his current level of luck it would obviously back fire, but MAD was still a perfectly valid tactic, right? And so with that thought in mind he continued to repeat his mantra to his bosses ever growing horror.

"At least things can't get any worse."

This level of bad luck was not natural and Shirou planned to get to the bottom of it even if it killed him.

SCENE BREAK 4

For Waver Velvet, today was starting off on an excellent footing. Getting to sleep in and play video games instead of having to deal with a bunch of fresh snot nosed brats? That was hardly what he would call a punishment. There could be absolutely no doubt that getting banned from the commencement ceremony was practically a dream come true.

Perhaps he should let his merry band of idiots run loose more often?

Wavers shook his head of such vile thoughts as he reached the faculty lounge meant for meetings between the department heads and noticed with some puzzlement that the lights were already on.

"So much for getting time to myself on the couch before the meeting starts" muttered Lord El-Melloi II as he opened the door. What he found was the most peculiar sight of a haggard vampire staring intently at a glass of water as if searching for the answers to all of life's greatest mysteries.

"Tell me Lord El-Melloi, have I truly become so overused that at best I'm nothing more than a convenient plot tool?" asked the mighty lord of the Second True Magic looking up from the glass and hoping for a new and more reliable source of answers "these days it feels as though people merely raise their eyebrows in exasperation when they hear my name. Not like the good old days when people truly respected and feared the power of the second magic."

"You forgot the II in my title again" glowered Waver at the vampire sitting on his couch.

Considering his normal countenance, very few people would have noticed the change in facial expression. Zelretch was obviously not and never would be one of those people.

"A better question is; would you actually take a man giving 'private tutelage' to a sister 'not connected by blood' seriously?" asked Zelretch with his fingers emphasizing all the unnecessary quotation marks.

"…No" responded Lord El-Melloi II with a resigned sigh "so tell me what has managed to make the mighty Zelretch introspective today."

"I hired one of those bright eyed idealistic do gooders as a new janitor so that I could have a little fun" answered Zelretch as a scowl crossed his face "the problems started when I brought him into a pocket universe and the little boy scout didn't even have the good decency to complain about having to clean it all up. I mean, what is the point in having a minion that won't even whine about silly little things like 'human rights' or 'common decency?' I understand that he wants to be helpful, but that boy takes the whole hero of justice and saving people thing far too seriously."

"Hero of justice?" asked Waver as a horrible suspicion formed in the pit of his gut "where dexactly oes this new janitor of yours come from?

"Shirou? He's from Japan" stated Zelretch causing Waver to grimace as his prayers went unanswered once again. Waver had something of a love-hate relationship country. Usually the hate won out.

"…I suppose it is possible that this Shirou wouldn't be impressed with you if he was a chuunibyou" said Waver with an annoyed frown.

"I'm afraid that I'm not familiar with this term" admitted Zelretch with a small tilt of his head.

"A chuunibyou, or 'chuuni' for short, is someone who suffers from eighth graders syndrome" stated Waver as he entered a lecturing pose "or to be more precise a chuuni is a person with a skewed perception of reality based around a concept that they consider core to themselves such as 'love' and 'justice.' These people tend to lack common sense and randomly spout off annoying catch phrases like 'believe it.' It could be said that these people live in their own personal little worlds unwilling to conform to society and grow up. The number of chuuni among young men and women in Japan is growing rapidly as a result of the anime industry."

"So what you're saying is" questioned Zelretch sounding passingly interested in were this conversation was heading "that because of this 'anime' thing my new janitor lacks the necessary common sense to fear me and might have the ability to manifest an inner world because he refuses to give up his childish delusions?"

"Don't be absurd and twist my wording like that" stated Waver while pinching the bridge of his nose in exasperation "there is no way that a Reality Marble can be that easy to achieve."

"You can never be too sure. Considering that reality marble research is banned we don't exactly have much of a prior precedent on how they are actually formed in humans. For all we know this could be some secret plan by Alaya to accelerate the evolution of humanity into some form of newtype" pointed out Zelretch with a mild shrug getting an eye roll from Waver.

"Anime as a secret conspiracy to turn humans into higher life forms?" replied Waver with a shake of his head "Now I have heard it all."

"It seems to work for the janitor" said Zelretch as his eyes stared into the wall in front of him with a glazed expression "I had planned to teach the boy some manners after he had the gall to call my sorcery lame by making him fight an outer demon. You know, make him beg for forgiveness and mercy on his hands and knees. But then he retaliated by summoning more and more of the monstrosities himself. It's not often that I meet someone capable of summoning demons using nothing more than a one line aria. For a moment there I was actually worried for my life."

"What?" asked Waver as he looked at the vampire checking to see if the statement was some sort of a joke. No such luck, Zelretch still had the thousand yard stare. This Shirou was suddenly sounding far more dangerous than a mere chuunibyou. Was there a conspiracy after all?

It might just explain the entity known as Flat Escardos.

"Fortunately we decided to team up when the demons started their offensive" said Zelretch as an odd tone entered his voice "together in that room fighting back to back against a horde we forged a bond deeper than blood and against all odds saved our selves from a fate worse than death. I honestly feel ashamed that for all of these years I had thought of projection and reinforcement as nothing more than mere parlor tricks. It was glorious."

Waver slowly blinked once and then twice. The idea that a mere janitor could summon much less challenge a type of demon that even his liege Rider had failed to subdue with the full might of his army was simply ludicrous. Not that Waver would openly contradict Zelretch who had apparently not only witnessed it, but had even taken part in the battle himself.

"Well, at least you managed to win" said Waver feeling a headache starting to form. And none of his students were even around.

"Not at all. We barely managed to survive their terrifying space CQC" said Zelretch with a sad shake of his head "the only reason we are still alive is because there was going to be some marathon involving magical girls or such nonsense and they didn't wan't to miss it."

It was then that the door to the room opened leaving Waver and Zelretch speechless as a very frazzled Vice Director entered the room. Ignoring the duo Lorelei Barthomeloi set about preparing herself some tea while dutifully preventing any of the many tears in her suit from opening further. It was only after her beverage was prepared that she deigned her stupefied audience with her attention.

"Oh, hello there Zelretch, I have been meaning to ask if you have felt anything peculiarly odd today" said the Vice Director with a thin smile at seeing the vampires equally ragged appearance. Waver barely managed to resist the urge to roll his eyes.

"Well, at least things can't get any worse" mused Waver at the usual antics between the two he now shared the room with. Because, really, what could possibly be any worse than having to share a room alone with these two?

With a panicked crash Zelretch tossed himself under the table shouting obscenities as he tried to hide himself from the horrors only he knew.

SCENE BREAK 5

Rin Tohsaka's plan to become one of the best students had hit a slight snag earlier that day. But that was okay because it was only a very small and minor setback. Really! With torn clothes and darkening bruises others might have disagreed with this sentiment. But Rin was an optimist!

When dealing with an apprentice and boyfriend as delusional and hopeless as her Shirou, she could not afford to have anything but a positive out look on life. On any other path lay madness!

So as she made her way into the cafeteria Rin wore a genuine smile on her face as she optimistically made plans to eviscerate her new found nemesis. As these were plans made by Rin, they were doomed to a catastrophic failure. It was practically a rule of the world. Fortunately, the only one crazy enough to destroy what little was left of her innocence by telling her about this had faded away shortly after kill stealing from him self.

Her life was kind of complicated like that.

Grabbing a tray, Rin managed to acquire some pot roast with a hefty side of vegetables that looked a tad over cooked. Looking around Rin saw several students had already grouped together at tables talking animatedly with each other about various topics ranging from the start of the new term, on going research, and even to the fiasco that the ceremony had become. Odds were high that these groups had formed from preexisting factions of allied magus families.

"Hey, Rin!"

Rin turned towards the source of the voice and saw a hand waving at her from above a head topped with spiky red hair. Making her way there Rin saw Shirou sitting by himself looking to be in as rough of a shape as herself.

"Bad day?" "Rough day?"

"I've had worse" "Could be worse"

Rin failed to hide her mirthful smile at their synchronization. She sat down across from her apprentice and allowed herself a few moments to stretch her back with a small sigh of relief. Looking up Rin saw Shirou staring at her with a level of intensity that always managed to surprise her.

"Rin I have something I need to talk to you about" said Shirou as he gave her a smile of such pure joy and happiness that Rin immediately felt heat rise up to her cheeks at the vibrant emotion directed towards her and her alone.

'Did Shirou somehow convince them to make him an actual member of the Association? Maybe he managed to find a new and cheaper source of jewels for my craft?' wondered Rin as she barely resisted the urge to squirm in her seat at his stare before her face suddenly turned a glowing red as another far more dangerous thought took root in her mind 'or per-perhaps he's actually going to a-ask me to mar-marr…'

"I have accepted a position as a janitor" said Shirou with the same million watt smile still on his face as Rin slumped in her seat with a black cloud of despair hanging over her head.

 _Only you Shirou, only you_ …

"My first steps on the path to becoming a hero of justice might be more dangerous than we had initially planned for with this position, but I feel that this is definitely the… eh, Rin?" trailed off Shirou in confusion as he stared at the wilting sack of dead flesh seated before him. Rising from the grave Rin simply smiled at him. And Shirou jumped back in sheer unrelenting terror.

Seeing Shirou recoil and fall back from his seat like that always managed to make her feel a little bit better. She had trained him well.

"Shirou, I'm either going to beat some common sense into that thick skull of yours or I'm going to make you wish that your personal hell could be only as bad as Archer's" said Rin still smiling sweetly at him.

"Common sense is for muggles" was the immediate response from her cowering apprentice.

"Shirou, just because the magical members of popular fiction are depicted as lacking good judgement doesn't mean that its true for magi in the real world" said Rin as she released a frustrated groan.

"But Rin, I thought that the purpose of magecraft was to overcome the common sense of the world?" asked Shirou with a furrowed eyebrow rising up.

"Thats not the same thing!" growled Rin with twitching eyes before calming herself down when she noticed several pairs of eyes turn their way. The last thing she needed was more attention after what had happened at the initiation ceremony. Fortunately the massive brawl that had broken out had managed to cover her tracks as one of the instigators.

Either that or random fights were so common that the faculty couldn't be bothered to care anymore…

"So tell me about this janitorial position that you were so happy about" asked Rin as she slowly toyed with her food figuring that it was better to just change topics for now. She still didn't understand how Shirou always managed to pull her out of her idol facade like that.

"The person in charge of administrative duty today decided that I was qualified to jump straight up to a senior janitorial position" replied Shirou with a small smile of relief "the work is hard and surprisingly dangerous, but I think it will give me plenty of experience for when I head off into the world. After having me work for a bit, my boss had to head up to the post ceremony meeting and let me keep an azoth dagger as a small bonus pay. I think that I really impressed him with my abilities. He even said that with a little more experience I have the potential to reach the elite position of plumber within as little as half a year."

"What is so elite about being a plumber?" asked Rin with an arched eyebrow. She understood that the position could be nasty and dangerous if improper sanitary precautions were taken. But other than that?

"Do you remember how in chemistry class people always forgot to use the waste buckets and instead used the drains" questioned Shirou getting a nod of confirmation from Rin "now imagine all of that but with various magical ingredients added."

That thought gave Rin pause. Hundreds if not thousands of different magecraft projects and chemicals mixing together. Rin felt a small shudder travel down her spine as she looked around at the walls feeling as if she were in some kind of a death trap.

"I talked to some of the other custodians and rumor has it that an artificial world formed down in the pipe works. According to several plumbers the magical energies have given form to a mushroom kingdom and a new race of sentient turtles" said Shirou with his face pressed into a contemplative frown "strangely the reports on the turtles vary on them being an evil army ruled by an overlord or a small group of benevolent ninja turtles led by a rat."

"Shirou, you can't believe everything people tell you" said Rin as she brought a hand before her mouth with a slight giggle "odds are that they are just teasing you with tall tales since you're the new guy."

"Eh, I guess your right" replied Shirou with a small smile of his own as he turned to his meal "that would be pretty weird."

"When am I not?" asked Rin as she also reluctantly turned her attention back to her own meal. The meal stared back silently just daring her.

"So this is British cuisine…" said Shirou as he shuffled his food with his silverware "…I think I understand Saber a little bit better right now."

"…"

"Want to head back to the dormitory and fix something up?"

"You took the words right out of my mouth."

CHAPTER END

Next Chapter: Grey meets a new student who believes that turning the pages of his text books into origami is an efficient way to study, Rin gets kidnapped in the middle of class and nobody does anything about it, and finally Shirou… also gets kidnapped? Oh, my!

AN1: I find reading battle scenes (regardless of how well they are written) to be dull and tedious. I'm not inclined to put in the effort to write such scenes myself as I'd rather focus on character interaction. While some 'fights' will be shown, they will be more character (or humor) driven than anything else. If you prefer long epic battles, this might not be the fanfic for you.

AN2: To best explain my vision of this fanfic, imagine the cut throat policies of Totsuki Academy from Shokugeki no Soma with all the business as usual chaos of Nerima from Ranma 12. Then toss in a nice guy like Shirou. Its kind of like fighting fire with oil and then detonating a Nuke just to be sure.


	2. Attack of the mob

CH2 The Mob

Disclaimer: Fate Stay Night and all related works are the property of Type-Moon (and I suppose what ever companies that have contractual claims too. Bleh). All additional content out side of Type-Moon belongs to their respective owners. I do not make any money off of this and only write because it occasionally amuses me.

Chapter Content Warning: This chapter contains children. Viewer discretion is strongly advised.

Chapter Posted: 7- 8-2017

Chapter Updated:

AN0: This chapter didn't turn out quite as good (I'd dare say it is outright cringe worthy at a few points) as I was hoping for but I decided that I can only rewrite it so many times.

CHAPTER START 1

When Shirou slept, his dreams usually fell into one of four categories; swords, lots of fire, more swords, or even more fire. Sometimes cooking was involved. Tonight the young man instead dreamt of a tireless black knight who fought on no matter how many limbs were lost, a vicious white beast that made even the mightiest of knights run in fear, and lastly a holy cup rumored to hold the power of miracles. If there was ever an ill omen of the chaos that would be unleashed upon this day to haunt the world for all of eternity, then this was probably it.

Now if only his Saber senses would stop tingling…

With a start Shirou awoke and found himself staring straight into the red slitted eyes of his boss standing awkwardly above him with a rope. For a moment the only sound that could be heard was the breathing from Rin sleeping in the room next door.

"Oh, thats a relief, for a moment there I thought you were a girl" said Shirou glad that his Saber senses where wrong for once. A slightly uncomfortable silence ensued that even Shirou managed to notice.

"…I have to admit, that was definitely not the reaction I was going for here" said Zelretch as he took a single step back from the red haired boy laying on the bed.

"Really?" asked Shirou in confusion as he slowly sat up. Was he supposed to have a specific reaction? If this was some sort of post entrance exam then he had definitely not studied for it…

"Just to be clear, is there any reason in particular that you are fine with me standing over you but not a girl?" asked Zelretch gravely while keeping the rope at the ready "your answer may or may not affect your future employment and odds of survival under me."

With resignation Shirou concluded that this was a test after all. Oh well, he might as well go with the truth.

"A friend of mine told me that it is improper for a boy to sleep in the same room with a girl" said Shirou as if reciting the gospel "but he made it perfectly clear that it is fine for boys to sleep in the same room."

"Was this friend of yours by any chance a priest or a monk?" asked Zelretch as he slowly put the rope away in one of his sleeves.

"He's training to be a monk" said Shirou with a raised eye brow "how did you know?"

"No reason in particular" grumbled Zelretch while rolling his eyes. Now Shirou was just getting more confused. It almost sounded as if Zelretch didn't think that priests and monks could be trusted on matters of moral values. That was just silly.

The trick was figuring out if your priest was fake or not.

"If you say so…" said Shirou before turning to his alarm clock "…is there any reason you decided to show up here at three in the morning with a rope?"

"Yes, and I have greatly regretted that reason ever since you woke up" answered Zelretch rubbing his temples as if to stave off a headache "I came to… take your measurements using the rope. Custodial uniforms don't grow from trees you know."

To Shirou Emiya who had thought that forcefully stripping the student council president to check for command seals was perfectly reasonable, this made a lot more sense than it probably should have. Or perhaps it was just the early hours of the morning. Either way, Shirou found himself awed at the idea that his boss could have such a high work ethic. The willingness to wake up at such an early hour just to avoid interfering with Shirou's classes and work hours was a stark contrast to Rin and his guardian Fuji-nee. In fact, a large part of him couldn't believe that he had finally met someone with similar work standards….

And for that reason Shirou Emiya would never be unsure of the man's intentions ever again.

"I can send you my measurements later today if you prefer" said Shirou with a smile as an idea came to mind "since you went through all of this trouble just for me how about I offer you an early breakfast."

"Oh, I wouldn't want to intrude…" the vampire replied with a bemused look.

"Nonsense, it would be an insult to my pride if I failed to live up to my Japanese heritage as an excellent host" said Shirou with a small smile on his face.

"In that case what did you have in mind?" asked Zelretch as he followed Shirou out of the room and into the kitchen.

"I was thinking about doing a stir fry soup so that I could have the leftovers for lunch later today" said Shirou with a slight grimace as he recalled yesterdays lunch at the Clock Tower. He would definitely have to do something about that sometime later "by the way would you prefer your beef medium or rare?"

"Hm…" mused Zelretch as he considered his options "I wouldn't want to be cliche so lets go with extra crispy today."

"…Medium it is then" replied Shirou as he got to work on preparing the vegetables and started forming mini meatballs from the beef.

"I have to admit that you certainly don't seem like the traditional type of magus that would even bother to study at the Clock Tower" said Zelretch as he took a seat at the table "is there any reason other than your girlfriend that you decided to?"

"Honestly, I wasn't really interested and only came because Rin had already put a lot of effort into making it so that I could attend as her apprentice" said Shirou as he adjusted the pressure cooker before turning back to face Zelretch as an unyielding steel like determination entered his eyes "however, even if only a single day has passed, I have come to realize that this was definitely the right choice. Thanks to you I have gained a great deal of experience on my path to becoming a hero of justice by facing the abominations that threaten mankind. I even learned some valuable tips on close quarters combat. A lot of things that I didn't understood before have suddenly started to make a lot of sense."

"…For some reason my pride is feeling a little bruised right now" said Zelretch as he stared at the boy with slumped shoulders "…and what exactly was it that fighting a bunch of eldritch abominations helped you understand?"

"I recently read some historical articles about the legendary hero Gilgamesh of Uruk" said Shirou as he continued his cooking "apparently he specialized at Sumerian wrestling going so far as to kill gods with his prowess in the art. I thought that this was odd as it didn't seem to fit into his usual tactics of raining swords. But if Sumerian wrestling is actually a form of CQC that has no rules then everything make a bit more sense."

"Actually, swords had nothing to do with Sumerian wrestling" said Zelretch as he leaned back in his chair "its just that Gilgamesh was so good at wrestling that he could kill anything up to and including gods in a single blow. He started using weapons because he got bored of winning all the time and wanted his enemies to at least have a chance of beating him."

"Huh, really? Thats actually pretty terrifying" admitted Shirou with a shiver as he placed a pot of soup on the table along with scrambled eggs and toast "anyways, breakfast is finished."

Shirou went back and brought out some silver wear along with several bowels.

"I have to admit that this definitely exceeds what I had expected from you" said Zelretch as he took a spoonful of the stir fry "you definitely weren't lying when you claimed that you where skilled at cooking. I'm even willing to go so far as to rate this as a six out of ten."

"…Rin and I like to hold cooking contests once every weak where we each try mastering a new dish. The two of us are almost evenly matched and I'm hoping that this dish will help break our tie. With this onion, basil, and beef broth I think that this might just do it" said Shirou as he took his own seat at the table "but I have to say that the secret ingredient that defiantly brings out the dishes potential is the garlic"

"Garlic?" asked the vampire of his minion "…did our bonds forged in the heat of battle really mean so little to you?"

"Huh?" asked Shirou innocently as he blinked in confusion "I have no idea what you are talking about."

SCENE BREAK 2

As she took a seat at the back of the room, Gray looked around the classroom feeling slightly depressed at the age gap between herself and the rest of the students. As a novice class for beginners, the rest of the students were not even in their teens.

Officially, classes such as this were provided for the children of Magi who were too busy with research. It was not uncommon for a research experiment to require weeks if not months of nearly constant attention leaving a magus temporarily unable to fulfill other obligations. Obligations such as training their heirs. The class was purported to provide a dynamic learning system on the basic dos and don'ts of magecraft while allowing students to gain experience at mana manipulation. Unofficially, the class was an over glorified day care.

There was however one exception to the age gap in the students.

A red haired boy a couple of years older than even herself sat in the row right in front of her. With an intense focus he carefully tore a page from his textbook. Already half of the pages were missing from the hefty tome.

"…Um" She really wanted to ask why he felt the need to destroy his textbooks but thought better of it. She had learned to accept that magi were an odd bunch and that trying to understand them was an endeavor of futility at best. That and most magi didn't like to be asked about their magecraft.

Fortunately, someone else decided to ask in her place.

"What are you doing?" asked a young girl with pale blonde hair that that failed to reach her shoulder blades. Her teal-blue eyes crinkled in amusement as she stared at the expertly folded paper with a seemingly knowing smile.

"Oh, I'm just studying" the young man replied nonchalantly as he expertly folded the page into a sword using the ancient art of origami. Once completed the redhead merely gave the paper sword a single glance before he promptly tossed the folded paper over the smiling girls head into a trashcan. He then proceeded to tear out another page.

"Oh, and how does destroying books help you study?" asked the young girl charmingly as she stared at him with a strange potency. Gray found herself curious about the boys statement as well. Was his magecraft focused around Origami?

"My master said that Magi aren't supposed to talk about their magecraft" said Shirou with a small shiver "she was painfully insistent on that going so far as to threaten learning necromancy."

Gray nodded to herself at the boys statement as the little girl playfully pouted. Most magi tended to be very protective of their crafts. If the young man was an apprentice then sharing the secrets of his own magecraft would be no different from sharing his masters secrets.

"Oh, then do you mind if I sit by you? I'll be sure to not distract you" said the girl with a pleasant smile "my name is Manaka by the way."

"Sure, my name is Shirou, and I'll be happy to help you anytime you need it so don't be afraid to ask" replied the redhead with a small grin of his own before returning back to his work.

"…I'll be sure to hold you to that" said Manaka with a conspiratorial smile as she took a seat.

For a brief moment eye contact was established and Gray found herself staring into teal eyes that held for only the briefest of moments a cunning inhuman intelligence. So short was the moment that Gray almost thought that she had imagined it.

Throughout the eons of history it is said that there have been sudden moments of clarity were a person discovers a fundamental truth of the world. An absolute that is known to every fiber of their being as if it was engraved into their very souls.

In that moment a clarity overcame Grey were she knew with absolute certainty that Manaka was a being who existed for the sole purpose of relishing and ravishing Gray. Or perhaps not Gray herself specifically but rather an existence that Gray was somehow deeply connected to. It did not matter the time period or even what world Gray came from. It did not even matter what gender Gray was. Manaka's entire world was a very morally Gray place focused on a single person.

As eye contact was broken and reality reasserted itself Gray found herself almost gasping for breath in pure terror. The greatest of all her fears had finally come true…

She had finally found a second Svin!

It was almost five minuets after class was supposed to have started that their instructor entered the room followed by another male student who much to Gray's surprise appeared to be around the same age as the redhead in front of her.

If Gray was forced to describe them, she would say that the instructor was definitely on the portly side and carried an air of pride like a second coat. All things considered, this was far from uncommon among magi. The younger man who had moved to take a seat at the front of the class had wavy blue hair that made Gray think of a certain plant from the ocean.

"My name is Gordes Musik Yggdmillennia" the man said grandiosely as he demanded the attention of all the students "and I will be acting as your substitute teacher. The normal instructor had a… small accident yesterday and won't be available for a while. But do not worry, for I am more than qualified to teach this class. Now are there any questions?"

"Uh hu" said a young girl with short orange hair pulled to the side in a ponytail as she raised her hand with a grin on her face "I'm bored. When do we get to start the cool stuff like blowing people up?"

"…There will be no explosions in this class" said Gordes as an expression of uneasiness crossed his face at the little girls question "I think I'm going to go ahead and skip the questions for now and go onto introductions. You at the front end of the room state your name and goals for the class to hear."

The student who had followed the instructor in rose from his seat and swept back his blue hair.

"My name is Shinji Matou" said the seaweed head with a sly smirk "and my goal for the future is to bring my bloodline back to its former greatness."

The redheaded who had previously been so engrossed in his work nearly banged his knee on the desk as he jumped up from his seat in surprise

"Shinji!?" asked the young man completely stunned "what are you doing here?"

"Oh? Well, if it isn't my good old pal Emiya" said Shinji while he brought a hand back up to sweep his hair again and let a large smirk cross his face "why are you so surprised? As a proper Magus isn't it only natural that I would be a student at the Clock Tower?"

"Ah" was the lackluster response of his good old pal "I had honestly forgotten about that."

"Oy, Emiya" said Shinji as a small frown crossed his face "you're starting to make me look bad here. The Matou line might have declined a bit over the past few centuries but we are hardly dead. If we were then the Yggdmillennia faction wouldn't be so interested in me. A crestless spell caster like you has no place criticizing me."

A strange look came over Gordes face after learning that tidbit. Gray imagined that the man wasn't all that pleased to learn that one of his students was not only uninterested in the advancement of magecraft, but he was also a first generation magus.

"If you say so Shinji" said Shirou as he stared at the blue haired boy skeptically "but since when do you have a crest?"

"I don't yet" admitted Shinji before he released a small snigger "but my grandfather said that he was so surprised that I had managed to survive the Grail War that he would go ahead and let me have part of the Matou crest… I just have to wait for him to finish his vacation in Vegas."

"As informative as this all is" said Gordes before shooting a small frown at both of them "we really need to move on. There are some people here who actually have aspirations for the advancement of their magecraft. Please continue with the next student."

The introductions continued for several minutes as one by one each student gave their name and goal to the class. Gray honestly didn't pay much attention to the procession. Before long it finally came to the pale blond haired girl that terrified Gray to the core.

"My name is Manaka Sajou, heiress to the Sajou magic crest. As for my goal? I'm afraid that is a secret~" teased the girl with small a curtsy.

"Very good Ms. Sajou, we are happy to have you here. Now may the next student stand up" said the instructor prompting the redhead of the class to rise from his seat and give a polite bow to the class.

"My name is Shirou Emiya and this might sound silly, but…" the redhead replied with a frown "…my boss said that he doesn't want me to embarrass him by telling other people my goals."

"Just go ahead and say it Emiya" said Shinji with an annoyed huff as he slumped in his seat and lifted a finger towards the redhead "people are going to figure it out sooner or later and I would prefer it if one of the people I consider to be my rival could at least say his goals with full confidence in himself."

"Ah, if that is the case then…" said Shirou before his face turned into smile of such innocent purity that for a moment the world itself seemed to be frozen in time "…I really, really, want to be a Hero of Justice."

For a moment Gray felt her breath get caught in her throat. She looked around the class and noticed that many of the other students also appeared to be affected by the strange phenomenon as they stared at Shirou with wide eyes.

The worst of them was poor Shinji who was left gaping in his seat with his finger still pointed in the redheaded boys direction. For a moment Gray wondered if he was broken. She couldn't be sure from back here but it almost sounded as if he was muttering something about Shirou and chicken magnets. Gray was becoming more and more certain that she would never understand city folk and their strange ways.

'Gihihihi! It would seem that the white knight skill set is super effective on children' came the amused observation of the mystic code hidden in her right sleeve 'that young man is truly with his intellectual peers among children.'

With a loud thump the young orang haired girl who was more than likely to be a psychotic monster disguised in human form jumped up from her seat. With her short orange hair, complexion, and amber eyes she looked suspiciously similar to Shirou. Perhaps they were related? Gray failed to recall the girls name from the earlier introductions.

"…Are you saying that magi can actually do something other than being a bunch of stuffy old bores?" asked the little girl from her new standing position as she pointed accusingly at Shirou with wide uncomprehending eyes.

"Though I wouldn't word it like that, I don't see why we can't" replied Shirou as he absently rubbed the back of his head "its not like the only thing that magecraft can be used for is to simply further the advancement of magecraft itself. In fact there are plenty of applications…"

"No you can't!" shouted a flustering Gordes as a trickle of sweat broke out above his brows "there are no jobs for magi other than being magi! Everything else is just a lie! Propaganda by the vile Church!"

Gray blinked in confusion at the antics of Gordes which seemed so at odds with his pompous attitude. He was acting as if his students suddenly deciding to not be magi would… Oh, never mind. Having the years of indoctrination that parents had put so much effort into making their children follow the 'proper' path broken down would no doubt reflect poorly on the instructor of the class. What would make it even worse was that it was still only the first day of classes.

It was more than evident that at least a few of the younger and more impressionable students had yet to be taught of the reviled concept of 'spell casters' who cared not for the advancement of magecraft.

"I don't get it" admitted Shirou as he raised a skeptical brow at Gordes "there are plenty of jobs that magecraft can be used for. I use to fix a lot of mechanical devices such as motorcycles with the help of magecraft."

The commotion in the class room came to an abrupt end as loud banging and crashing sounds came from the hallway just outside of the classroom. The sounds of an epic battle being waged just outside the door filled the room and captured the attention of the entire class as yells and screams were heard. Few could have correctly guessed at what horrors lay beyond that door.

"Oh no its gotten loose again!" came a distressingly familiar voice and it took every bit of will power Gray had to not hide her face in her hands "it will eat us all alive!"

"Somebody help" came another familiar voice "we need a hero of justice!"

The redheaded young man, Shirou Emiya, immediately leapt up and rushed to the door with a blazing determination in his eyes that somehow tugged at memories Gray knew she didn't have. Without a second thought the aspiring hero of justice immediately heaved the door open and prepared to wage battle on the unknown horrors that threatened the innocent.

And with a resounding clang a frying pan smashed into his head.

"…I can't believe that your plan actually worked Flat" said a voice that compelled Gray try to hide herself deeper inside her hood.

"Of course it worked Svin. Was there ever any doubt?" asked Flat as he cheerfully approached the fallen hero "but did you really have to hit him so hard? There are so many things I wanted to talk to him about…"

"I always doubt any plan made by you. The fact that they all somehow manage to work out in the end doesn't mean that I'm going to let my guard down for when reality starts to make sense again" replied Svin before peeking his curly blond haired head inside the door "sorry for the commotion but we… wha- Gray!"

"Sorry Svin but we still have an important mission!" said Flat with a casual smile as he forcefully dragged his partner in crime towards the comatose Shirou "you can go back to stalking Grey later once we have finished turning this guy into our friend."

For a moment the class could only stare in stunned silence as the pair of blondes abducted the redheaded young man. Even the perpetually cheerful Manaka seemed surprised by this turn of events. Nothing could prepare you for Flat Escardos. Nothing.

The silence that permeated through the room was shattered into a million shards.

"What!?" shouted Gordes with his body now trembling in emotions beyond mere rage and a holy fury shined in his eyes at the sight of the retreating duo "who is it that would dare to slight my name by stealing a student in broad daylight!? Even if that boy is no better than a back water savage… he is still my back water savage!"

With a speed that Gray did not think a man of such bulk could move with, Gordes charged out the door with a trail of blazing dust following him as he hunted down her rapidly retreating peers. Apparently this slight caused by Flat and Svin was the last straw that broke the camels back so to speak. To be honest, he was taking this far better than most of the professors do when this happens.

'I think that this is going to be the start of a wonderful year' came the voice from her sleeve.

The rest of the children having heard the abductors identify her as a possible accomplice all turned their heads simultaneously in her direction with a synchronicity that caused Gray to whimper as she tried to hide further in her hood. It didn't work.

And throughout all of this, Shinji remained catatonic with his mouth agape still staring as where Shirou had once sat.

SCENE BREAK 3

"Are you absolutely certain about this Flue?" asked Luvia as she held a cell phone up to her ears. Luvia couldn't help but smile as she walked down the crowded hallways of the Department of Fundamentals.

"Yes, I am certain" replied the carefree voice of Flue "I even triple checked my divinations. The El-Melloi are definitely going to make their move on a certain magic crest soon."

"Well, we can't have that now can we" mused Luvia as she considered the implications "you have done a great service by bringing this to my attention Flue. Anything that can be used to hinder that disgrace of a lord is something that I'm willing to pay for. I will send you the usual fee with a bonus depending on just how much damage this can cause."

And with that Luvia ended the call. She didn't trust the astrologer or his intentions a single step more than she could throw him and even that was being far too generous. What she did trust was the filthy spell casters greed for money. So long as no one else came by with a better offer, then she had a decent source of information on future events. Naturally, she would make sure to double check with her other informants before making any move on the information herself.

Their relationship was simply one of convenience that had started nearly a year ago in a castle of angels. It certainly wouldn't do if he had found a new patron whom wanted to discredit the Edelfelt name by having her act on false information. Furthermore, while his information usually came far in advance of anything her other sources could provide, the information he provided often lacked the fine details necessary to make a plan.

"Ho ho ho ho" laughed Luvia feeling a little giddy as she made her way into the class room. She completely failed to notice that several students start to distance themselves from her at the sound of her laughter.

"Is it just me or do I hear the sound of a hyena suffering from one to many bumps on the head" asked Rin aloud from her position leaning against a wall with a single eye open focused on Luvia. A small and twisted smile was stretched across her face.

"Oh, what is this? Do my eyes deceive me or do I see a talking board?" sniped back Luvia with a red face. Why in the world did that insufferable gorilla girl have to be here too?

"Why you…" growled Rin as her own face started to turn red.

"Oh, did I hit a nerve?" asked the Edelfelt heiress as a dark smile manifested on her face "I guess that it can't be helped if a penniless failure like you couldn't afford to pay for the proper food needed to grow properly in addition to the jewels required for our trade."

"Hardly. The Tohsaka still make a decent amount from our many patents. I can more than afford to pay for my craft from that alone" said Rin with a belittling smile as she held her head up high "the difference between us is that I don't like to rely on the hard work of others too much."

Luvia felt her eyes twitch at that. She almost wanted to ask why the young Tohsaka head even bothered to use her magic crest which by its very nature relied on the hard work of the girlss ancestors. The only thing that stopped her was that, unfortunately, Luvia privately had to admit that this was one area that she could agree with Rin on. There was nothing that could compare to standing on your own two feat and showing the world what you could accomplish with nothing more than your own wits and determination!

That didn't mean she would let the insult slide.

"Well, of course a barbarian from a back water country like you would think that. I suppose it was wrong of me to expect that someone who believed themselves to be a proper magus would understand the intricacies of financial investments. You know, making sure that your descendants are well off" replied Luvia as she brought a hand up to her face "ho ho ho ho…"

"Shut up and take your seats."

In a flash Luvia and Rin suddenly found themselves seated before the voice had even fully registered in their minds. What a truly terrifying presence!

The chair at the front of the room swiveled around revealing a women of eastern descent with her red hair in a pony tail. Her face held a small yet decidedly wicked smile as she set down a pair of glasses on the desk in front of her. It did not take long before Luvia realized that the women must have put up a bounded field in order to conceal her presence from the entire class. And from there it didn't take much to determine that her hiding was a subtle exam to test their abilities. A test which the entire class had apparently failed.

Luvia shared a look with Rin as they both grudgingly acknowledged their mutual defeat. This pond held a far bigger fish than just the two of them.

"My name is Touko Aozaki and I am your instructor for the term" said the women as she stood up and let her eyes rove across the students. Luvia shivered for the brief moment that their eyes made contact "it would seem that you are one of the few lucky classes that get to have their originally intended instructor. Congratulations are in order."

"What exactly happened to the normal instructors for the other classes?" asked Rin from her seat as a nervous look crossed her face. Luvia couldn't help but grimace herself as she figured out where this was heading.

"A lot of them suffered various 'accidents' during the ceremony yesterday" said Touko in wry amusement "I can't say that I'm surprised with all the chaos that was said to have taken place. A lot of the politically oriented Magi tend to suffer from an obsessive compulsive need to assassinate anything and everything the moment an opening is revealed. They tend to make poor pet owners. Even the department heads like to take a few pot shots at each other every once in a while when the opportunity arrives. It would seem that I was actually rather fortunate to have suffered a flat tire and to have missed the entire ceremony."

Luvia and Rin nervously shared a look as they belatedly realized that they might have unintentionally helped to start more than a just few blood feuds.

"Even if its more out of tradition these days, a lot of magi can't help but join in on a brawl when they come across one. They really only have themselves to blame for their resulting injuries and loss of pride" said Touko before a knowing smirk crossed her face "but that still wont stop those who lost face from taking out their frustrations on the ones who started the chaos in the first place once all the dust from the political reshuffling has settled. The noble families especially know how to hold on to a grudge."

Luvia almost collapsed in alarm. If the great families decided to go after her then where would she get her jewels from? Mundane jewels certainly had their uses but nothing could compare to the crystals grown by alchemist families such as the Einzbern and the Istari. But even more importantly, where would she get the enchanted fabrics needed to make her stuffed animals?

Luvia felt herself on the verge of panicking!

Hoping to find a companion in her suffering Luvia turned to face Rin and noticed from the corner of her eyes something that gave her a moments pause. Her rival had in the last few minutes gained a very pale complexion as large swathes of sweat ran down her face. The girl appeared to be for all intents and purposes on the verge of hyperventilating. Huh. Rin certainly seemed to be taking this pretty hard.

What a wimp.

"Since we have all settled down I will go ahead and start todays lesson" said Touko from her position at the front of the room.

"Isn't this the part where we are supposed to state each others names and goals?" asked a young man with very average spiky brown hair and an even more plain face. With only a single glance it was obvious to anyone who looked at him that he was nothing more than a random and completely unimportant background character.

"Do I look like I care about your names and goals?" replied Touko with a raised eyebrow. She moved back over to her desk and finally decided to put her glasses back on.

And suddenly the women didn't seem quite so scary and psychotic anymore.

"Since this is the first day we will go over a quick refresher on the dangers of magecraft" said Touko as she entered a lecturing pose and a more gentle smile appeared on her face.

Luvia took out her notebook and a pen.

"Not all of the dangers related to the use of magecraft are the results of mistakes made in the preparation or activation phase" said Touko as she masterfully adjusted her glasses causing glint of light to dangerously reflect off of them "it is in fact possible for an experiment or spell to be too successful."

"Too successful?" asked the unimportant background character.

"Hm, perhaps an example would be best? I once made a doll with the purpose of siphoning off my negative karma" said Touko as she reminisced with a melancholy fondness "the kid was a cute little bugger who always managed to get himself into all kinds of trouble. A few weeks after I had made him a good chunk of the city was destroyed in an inferno with his last known location being near the epicenter. It turned out that not only did he take the bad karma I was accumulating from my day to day activities, but he had also absorbed all of the bad karma I had gained throughout my entire life up until that point."

"Was that city by any chance Fuyuki?" asked Rin as she stared dully at the instructor with her face now even paler. Luvia was starting to actually feel some worry for her nemesis. How strange. Usually when she saw an opening she would ruthlessly crush her opponents.

Let it be known that there was a reason that Luviagelita Edelfelt had to settle for stuffed animals...

"Yes" asked Touko as a strange gleam entered her eyes "how did you know?"

"Just a lucky guess" said Rin with the shake of her head "the only city that I could think of that had experienced any major fires like that in the recent past was Fuyuki. Just for curiosities sake, what was the range of the siphoning?"

"I see" said Touko as she held eye contact for a few more seconds "the strength of the siphoning was inversely proportional to our distance from each other. The most effective distance was anywhere within a two kilometer radius so long as there weren't any bounded fields around that dealt with probability."

"Thank you for this most enlightening lecture Ms. Aozaki" said Rin with a cheerful smile "I just need to make a quick phone call."

Rin reached out for her purse before suddenly someone else's arm met her own halfway. The strange part was that the arm that had caught her own was coming from inside the purse itself.

"Huh? Wha-" yelped Rin as to the astonishment of the entire class her arm was pulled into the purse before the rest of her body quickly followed suit.

Then an older red eyed gentleman wearing a hospital gown jumped out.

"Don't mind me" said Zelretch to the befuddled class as he bent down to pick up the purse that was now shaking from the struggles of its new occupant "by the way it turns out that when you combine true magic with a luck sink you get a powerful resonance effect. Just thought you might like to know that if you ever decide to give it another go."

Just before Zelretch reached the exit to the room he paused.

"Oh, one more thing, your sister called me the other day and said that the next time I abducted a student I should ask for your help with something called shibari" said Zelretch before his head was nearly decapitated by a heavily reinforced stapler "fine, have it your way, I guess I'll have to figure it out on my own."

The shaking of the purse greatly intensified after that.

"I had hoped to test it out first on that annoying minion of mine but he apparently has some powerful danger senses. Too bad for you."

SCENE BREAK 4

From her seat the El-Melloi princess stared in front of her at the bound boy tied to a chair. The young man having only woken up moments ago hadn't even bothered trying to escape. Reines had to wonder why was it that the survivors of the holy grail wars all tended to be abysmal magi. And she didn't mean that just in terms of talent either.

Her internal thoughts were sadly interrupted by a far more troublesome development.

"Do you have a super hero costume?" asked Flat with a smile as he walked up to Shirou "I personally think that the mysterious stranger disguise is the best."

"I have something in mind for a costume but I haven't found all the parts I need yet" said Shirou as he replied with an uncertain smile of his own "but I honestly hadn't considered an actual disguise. Maybe we should trade notes?"

"Oh, dear" mumbled Reines starting to realize that she might have made a terrible mistake that would haunt the world for all of eternity.

"We can be super hero buddies conquering the world through the power of friendship!" exclaimed Flat as his imagination took him to strange places where others would easily get lost "we can even have cool catch phrases and a theme song like Gandhi and Batman!"

"Flat, as entertaining as this conversation is sure to turn out, could you please wait until I have finished my business with him?" asked Reines from her raised seat before she turned back to looking down at the Emiya as if she where a judge preparing to hand out a verdict "do you know why you are here?"

"Because somebody hit my head with a frying pan" said Shirou dryly as he looked up at her "I have to admit that I was impressed by your plan to capture me. The operation perfectly took into account one of my two great weaknesses."

"Ah yes, when we learnt that a boy bearing the Emiya name was going to be attending at the Clock Tower we immediately dug up all the information we could find on him" answered Reines with a small smile forming on her lips "among the many documents we found was a certain forty-two page essay from junior high about what you wanted to do for your life. From there Flat managed to come up with a plan to capture you."

"The only trouble was losing that instructor. For some reason I don't think he wants us conquer the world" said Flat thoughtfully at the completely alien concept while Svin simply sighed is resignation.

Her maid as usual continued to dutifully stand behind her on the watch for any sudden threats.

"A little over a decade ago your adoptive father, Kiritsugu Emiya, committed a grave crime against my family" said Reines as a predatory smile crossed her face "during the fourth grail war your father murdered my older brother Kayneth El-Melloi Archibald. What made the act even more despicable was that Kiritsugu destroyed our families magic crest for absolutely no reason other than the fact that he could."

"Um, sorry?" said Shirou as he sat there fidgeting "while I don't doubt that something took place if you really felt the need to go through with all of this, I'm afraid that I don't really understand where I fit into things. My father never seemed to be the type to pointlessly kill people and I was adopted after the fourth grail war. Furthermore my fathers crest was destroyed after he died."

"That is not entirely true" said Reines as a sly smile crossed her face "while the crest your father carried on him may have been destroyed, it was only ten percent of the full Emiya family crest. The remainder of the magic crest is currently under the supervision of the Mage's Association."

At the young mans startled look Reines couldn't help but smile. Hook, line, and sinker.

"I believe that I have an offer that you can't possibly refuse" said the blond doll like girl with her voice oozing confidence "I will help you obtain part of the Emiya family crest held onto by the Mage's Association. In return for my help you will be indebted to me. Neither of us alone have the power to obtain the crest, but by combining my families influence with the favors owed to your fathers name we will have all of the leverage we need. While the crest can't be directly transplanted to an adopted child such as yourself, that doesn't mean that a new crest can't be made from it with the proper influence."

"What is the Emiya crest capable of?" asked Shirou with his curiosity piqued. The El-Melloi princess smiled at that. Of course the boy would only be interested in obtaining the crest if it was useful in helping him save people. Almost any other magus would have instead started bargaining on the details of the favors.

Fortunately, Reines didn't hate simple minded people like him.

"According to my sources the Emiya families magic crest focused on time manipulation" said Reines as she listed what few facts were known to the public "according to rumors the crests abilities bordered on the level of a reality marble."

She saw a rather odd expression cross her captives face at that.

"Thank you for the offer but I'm afraid that I will have to refuse" said Shirou in resignation sounding as if he really did regret his decision "prior experience has taught me that time traveling future versions of myself are bad for my health. It would get troublesome if I had to keep setting up false memories of where I had last slept every night along with a bunch of traps."

"What?" asked Reines at the odd statement made by her captive. She looked around at the others trying to figure out if she had misheard him and noticed that Svin and even Trimmau had perturbed looks on their faces.

Naturally, Flat who was busy balancing a pencil on the tip of his nose was of no help.

"But don't worry" the boy continued oblivious to his previous statements effect on everyone "if my father did unjustly destroy your families crest then as a hero of justice it is only natural that I right the wrong. If you can provide evidence of your claims, then I would be willing to hand over the Emiya crest to you so long as you promise to never use it to aide the forces of evil."

Reines just stared. She'd had an idea as to just what she was getting into but apparently even that wasn't enough to deal with the older boy. It had taken her long enough to get use to one Flat. This was getting a little uncomfortable.

To Reines great relief a ringing sound interrupted the awkward silence before it could go on any longer. Svin walked up to the bound boy and pulled out a cellphone from the young mans pocket before handing it to Reines. At her look Shirou simply shrugged unsure of what the call could be about. Arching an eye brow Reines turned on Shirou's cell phone.

"Shirou Emiya, you insufferable and pathetic excuse of a minion, I have kidnapped your girlfriend and will claim vengeance upon you for the great offense committed against me this morning" came the sound of a gruff male voice "you know where to meet me."

Then the caller abruptly hanged up.

"Anything important" asked Shirou with a hint of genuine concern in his voice.

"It would appear that your girlfriend has been kidnapped" said Reines blinking owlishly at the phone "all he really said is that you would know where to meet him."

"Oh, thats a relief" said Shirou with a sigh of relief "for a moment there I was worried that it would be something serious."

"Is this supposed to be some kind of a joke?" asked Reines as she stared at the young man. Warily she looked around the room for any devices could be a camera. Unfortunately, the Department of Modern Magecraft dealt with a lot of electronics so she couldn't be sure with all the miscellanies devices placed on shelves spread across the room.

"Oh no, not at all, my boss was being completely serious… I think" was the unconcerned reply of her captive "its just that Rin getting kidnapped is not exactly new to me. The first time she was kidnapped was by her own servant. It got a bit more complicated when an ex-friend of mine, a wrestling king, and fake priest got involved. I'm sure that she will manage to escape on her own again if I can't get to her."

Reines made a mental note to never hire any of the Tohsaka houses former servants. They were clearly unreliable. And what in the world was a fake priest supposed to be anyway?

The door to the class room opened and Lord El-Melloi II entered the room with a cigar sticking out of his mouth.

"…I don't want to know" said Waver as he saw a young man tied to a chair, his adoptive sister sitting with that ever dangerous smirk on her face, and his two most troublesome students milling around the room. With that said he marched past them with a scowl on his face into the next room.

"Huh, Professor Charism- Er… I mean Lord El-Melloi II seems to be in a good mood" noted Svin as he looked at the door oddly "normally he would just double our homework without even asking."

"Don't worry, there is plenty of time for that to change" noted the mercury maid Trimmau from her position behind Reines.

"FLAT!" yelled Waver Velvet as he barged back into the room with all the blazing fury of a volcano "why is my toilet painted gold and why are there plastic skulls hanging everywhere?"

"I thought you would want the porcelain throne to look nicer" replied Flat with a smile expecting praise.

"Elaborate" demanded Waver as he glowered down at his greatest headache producer.

"Well, with you're scowling face I figured that you would wan't a great beacon of light to brighten your day" replied Flat as if the answer was obvious "a place where you can sit down and think happy thoughts for all of eternity."

"For violating my most sacred and holy of grounds I am quadrupling everyones homework" growled Lord El-Melloi II before turning to Reines "and why is there a man tied to a chair?"

"He's another survivor of the Grail Wars" said Reines in amusement as she watched Svin start to chase Flat around the room "I figured that I should go ahead and work on completing my collection. Jealous?"

There was never a dull day in the Department of Modern Magecraft.

"You fought in the fifth Grail War?" asked Waver with surprise as he turned to study the redheaded boy more closely "what is your name?"

"Yes, I did and my name is Shirou Emiya" answered Shirou looking back at Waver in confusion.

"Shirou?" questioned Waver as a light of recognition shone through his eyes "you wouldn't happen to be the same Shirou working for Zelretch?"

The El-Melloi princess nearly fell out of her seat at that little revelation. She had abducted a servant of Zelretch! She had tried to bribe a minion of Zelretch! She had received a threatening phone call from Zelretch…!

And then, as if there was some sort of a massive bad luck magnet in the vicinity, the door to the room was smashed open as a large pompous man barreled into the room along with a small orange haired girl leading a small ragtag army of children.

"I'm sorry master" whined Gray pitifully on the verge of tears from her position bound by ropes as she was hoisted into the air by several of the children "I have failed you…"

"Don't be afraid Gray" said a girl with short pale blond hair as she soothingly patted the young women's head with a cheerful smile "soon everything will be all better and you will never have to worry about anything ever again…"

SCENE BREAK 5

"And this is why I believe that you should invest in my project" said Zelretch as he pointed at a powerpoint display being projected onto the wall "as the graphs show there is a clear and present trend of growth in the thefts of rare and powerful mystic artifacts. It is clear that pocket universes are the future of the vault industry as all other vaults simply aren't cutting it anymore."

The room was decidedly small. Not as small as a closet but nowhere near as large as any of the lecture halls. With red oak book cases that were filled to capacity with ancient tomes and several tasteful paintings adorning the walls, the room gave off an archaic if not tranquil atmosphere. The room was exactly the type of office Rin expected from a proper magus of the Clock Tower.

And that just put Rin further on edge.

"How much will this all cost?" asked Rin pretending to be interested if only to avoid offending the dead apostle ancestor who had seen fit to kidnap her.

"Between the research required to set up the biometrics and soul scanners along with keying people into the system…" mused Zelretch as he started plugging numbers into a calculator "…roughly three hundred and sixty billion U.S. dollars."

"I'll pass" answered Rin without a second thought.

"You say that now" said Zelretch as he looked up from his calculations "but just wait until a terminator zombie or a bunch of bloody magpies come and steel all the valuables belonging to your distant descendants."

"…No offense Lord Zelretch but was there an actual reason that you decided to abduct me in the middle of class?" asked Rin as she discreetly allowed one of her gems to fall from her sleeve into an awaiting hand "and does that reason in any way involve ropes?"

"What, you mean I can't check up on my old student Nagato's line?" asked Zelretch with a hurt expression as he looked at her "and don't worry, I made the whole thing up."

"Come again?" asked Rin as she stared at the Vampire.

"I made the whole thing up" repeated Zelretch as he stared down at her "keeping those two sisters at each others throats is something of a hobby of mine. There was no phone call and there are no ropes involved in our little get together here."

"…Why?" asked Rin in horrified awe as she stared at the monster sitting before her.

"Mostly because I can" admitted Zelretch with an unconcerned shrug.

Rin just continued to stare with her mouth agape causing Zelretch to roll his eyes.

"So what progress have you made on the sword" asked Zelretch as he leaned back in his chair "it has been several centuries now and while I never really expected that much from the Tohsaka, I do think that it has been more than enough time for your line to at least have made some half hearted attempts by now. Sure they probably exploded and failed in a spectacular fashion, but progress is progress and nobody ever said that magecraft was for wimps."

"What sword?" asked Rin as she stared at the vampire with a tilt of her head.

"…I don't suppose you have ever heard of The Jeweled Sword of Zelretch?" asked the vampire as he looked at her in exasperation "the sword that I had hired the Tohsaka line to rebuild for me with the offered payment being an apprenticeship?"

Why on earth would anyone want to become his apprentice? Everyone knew the stories of the fourth dead apostle ancestor and the state he left all of his apprentices in. If apprenticeship was his offered payment then it was no wonder her ancestors hadn't put any effort into rebuilding the sword. The only benefit that came to her mind would be virtual immunity from just about everyone…

Well, lets see, there were probably a large number of families with some possibly ranking as high up there as the great noble families themselves gunning for her. Her boyfriend might be the legal property of her instructor who herself suffered from a multiple personality disorder that depended on what glasses she wore. She had no political support as the few families that she was officially allied with were the Matou and the Einzbern who were more than willing to sell her out to the highest bidder. Forget that, they would probably sell her out just because they could. And finally, Rin herself had already attained enough attention from Zelretch to end up getting kidnapped into his office in the first place…

"In that case could I ask that you allow me to have a peak at your memories of the sword" asked Rin as a cheshire smile crossed her face "I promise I will have results that even you will have to acknowledge by tomorrow night at the very latest."

It would cost her the rest of her jewel stockpile but that was fine. Between her genius and Shirou's ability to reproduce swords it would be child's play to remake the Jeweled Sword if they could get their hands on the original makers memories and knowledge.

"…Are you implying that your family hasn't even started on my request?" asked Zelretch sounding rather miffed "and that you think you can somehow rebuild one of my greatest masterpieces from scratch overnight? Just like that?"

"Yes" answereds Rin without delay completely certain in her calculations "so long as I get the memories."

"I really should just use the kaleidoscope to figure out just what kind of craziness I have gotten myself into" muttered Zelretch as he stared down at her with an unreadable expression "but at this point I feel like that would be cheating."

"Wait, do you mean that you don't know everything?" asked Rin perplexed at the very notion. The very idea was practically a life changing concept for the young magus.

"I could, but do you have any idea how boring that would be? Knowing everything would take all the fun out of life" said Zelretch before he muttered with a shudder "but mostly I'd just hate to end up as a deranged lunatic like that Manaka girl."

Huh, who would have guessed that at least a few of the rumors were false. But then, hadn't she already scolded Shirou just the other day for believing baseless rumors himself?

"In my defense, the rumors about you being omniscient seemed far more reasonable than some of the other absurd things that I have heard" admitted Rin with a wry smile and a shake of her head "such as the director being the ghost of King Solomon. Really, why anyone would believe that he is not only still alive, but that he is planning to wipe out humanity and is limiting our control over thaumaturgy through his control over sealing designations is completely beyond me."

"…Yes, that is most certainly an absurd and baseless rumor with no grounds in reality at all" said Zelretch with a small cough "besides I do try to keep in touch with the more important events and people with my sorcery so in a sense I am omniscient when it comes to the things that actually matter."

Rin simply stared back at him with a raised eyebrow at that odd denial. And apparently Zelretch chose to misinterpret her questioning gaze.

"Don't take it personally" said Zelretch consolingly as he patted her head "I'm sure that you are important in your own special way too. It's just that, compared to the rest of the universe you are nothing but an insignificant spec who's actions will have zero effect in the grand scheme of things. It is neither my fault nor your own that you aren't important enough for me to bother knowing who you are."

CHAPTER END

OMAKE START

"Ishtar you pathetic wench" said Gilgamesh as he stared out at the encroaching sandstorm that heralded the approach of Gugalanna The Bull of Heaven with his arms crossed "did my rejection make you crawl back to your father Anu in tears to beg for his help?"

Gilgamesh walked forward without fear as his loyal companion and only friend Enkidu followed at his side.

"Shall we then?" asked Gilgamesh as he turned to his friend with a feral smirk.

"If that is your will my king" said Enkidu with a gentle smile as the form of a massive bull that toppled over the mountains themselves emerged from the massive storm and charged towards them.

"Lowly God, hear my name, for I am Gilgamesh King of Uruk and my word is law!" yelled the golden king as he took another step forward in defiance of the heavens themselves "you who have spread famine and disaster among my people shall pay for your crimes! Let the Gods themselves tremble before my judgement!"

Day turned into night as Gugalanna's shadow blocked out the sun itself and the earth trembled beneath every step the rampaging beast took. So tall was the god that its head was not even visible from this close up. It was as if the end of times had come for them and them alone.

As the mighty beast finally came into range Gilgamesh with a single step forward pulled his arm back. In a single move he struck the bull. And just like that it was all over.

"Damn it!" growled the King as he slumped to the ground in despair "why did it have to die in a single blow like everything else?!"

As if the heavens themselves sympathized with him a great cascade of rain fell from the skies. Or it might have just been Ereshkigal weeping for her husband but the sentiment was certainly a nice thought.

"Enkidu my friend" said Gilgamesh as he rose up "it would seem that you are the only one who can challenge me anymore and I am in need of a good fight after this disappointing farce."

Turning to his friend the King paused.

"Are you all right Enkidu, you appear to be a lot paler than usual?" asked Gilgamesh in worry for his friend.

"I-I am fin- Er I mean gasp!" said Enkidu as he theatrically placed his hand over where his heart would have been if he were human "the gods have forsaken me my friend… for the death of Gugalanna the heavens have decreed that I too must die! I am afraid that you will have to find someone else to fight with!"

And with that Enkidu fell to the ground. Just for good measure a flower sprouted from his head.

"Enkidu!"

OMAKE END

Next Chapter: London gains super heroes, Touko makes a startling discovery on Dark Amazon, and finally Shirou's first mission is to… steal hair? Oh, My!

AN1: I would like to give a quick shout out for the you-tube channel 'PBS Space Time.' If you enjoy physics and would like to have very complex subjects simplified down to a more manageable level then I definitely recommend this channel. Those videos point out a lot of the subtleties that are hard to catch in QM.

AN2: I suddenly realized that the story was starting to get one of those annoying harem vibes I hate so much purely through female to male character ratio. The solution? Bring in Shinji (far earlier than I had planned anyway) and let him be Shirou's class mate (If I'm remembering UBW route correctly then Shinji had his circuits forcefully opened by Illya's heart). What can I say? I have serious bromance needs and there just aren't that many male characters in nasuverse with enough background to fill the role of a novice magus student. While Shinji might not be of the level quite yet, thats what character growth is for.


	3. Explosive Discoveries

CH3: Explosive Discoveries

Disclaimer: Fate Stay Night and all related works are the property of Type-Moon (and I suppose what ever companies that have contractual claims too. Bleh). All additional content out side of Type-Moon belongs to their respective owners. I do not make any money off of this and only write because it occasionally amuses me.

Chapter Content Warning: This chapter is brought to you by boredom. That thing where I have nothing better to do than write this. Be afraid. Be very afraid.

Chapter Posted: 09-30-2017

Chapter Updated: 10-14-2017 (A few minor fixes)

AN1: Hopefully this chapter will be a lot less cringe worthy than the last one. I'm honestly regretting doing this as a proper story instead of an anthology of one shots as I find my self feeling forced to explain things when there really isn't a need to leading to halfwitted and last second additions. I will probably redo CH2 someday in the distant future when I'm not being a lazy twit (so roughly around 999M40 to be precise).

CHAPTER START 1

As he walked down a crosswalk with yet another old lady in hand, Flat couldn't help but wonder how much longer this was going to take. Don't get him wrong, the young blonde haired man had absolutely no problem with helping people. Anything that brought him closer to his goal of conquering the world through the power of love and friendship had to be worthwhile.

The problem was that his newest friend, the young man he and Svin had kidnapped earlier in the day, had work in the evening and Master V had assigned Flat to help the young man get back to the Clock Tower in time. Apparently the older boy was new to London and hadn't had the time to learn his way around the city quite yet.

It was only now turning to noon so they really should still have more than enough time…

But that still didn't stop Flat from thinking that this short two kilometer walk was taking far longer than it should have. In only a few hours they had already rescued four cats from trees, stopped a burglary, solved a murder case, helped six senior citizens cross the street, and had inadvertently saved London from two completely unrelated zombie apocalypses. Flat saw no sign that their endless detours would be coming to an end anytime soon.

In fact, they were currently standing across the street from their starting point.

Flat was starting to suspect that they weren't going to make it to the Clock Tower on time. Or even that day. Which really was a shame because he had a lot to do after his homework had been quadrupled. Flat had even been looking forward to doing it all…

But Flat couldn't fail… because Professor Charisma was counting on him!

As the old lady thanked him and walked away Flat turned back to his two companions on this trip. The first was Shirou Emiya the hero in training. The second was the unexpected addition of one Shinji Matou who had followed the rest of his class to the Department of Modern Magecraft but had forgotten the route required to get back to the Clock Tower. Not wanting to enter the line of children following Gordes like little ducklings, the wavy blue haired young man had instead opted to join them.

Based on the blue haired mans scowl, Flat also had a small suspicion that the young man was regretting his decision to follow them. Once again it was only a small suspicion. There was however, another far more likely possible source of the man's discomfort and It was always best to be sure just incase.

"Are you ok Captain Seaweed?" asked Flat of the blue haired man "your face has looked constipated for the last hour or so and there is no reason that we can't visit a restroom if you need to. You don't have to be brave and hold it all in."

"What did you just call me?" asked Shinji as he stared at Flat blankly.

"Captain Seaweed head is Captain Seaweed because the captain wears a seaweed on his head" said Flat not sure what there was to be confused about.

Even a three year old should be able to follow this train of logic.

"…That seaweed on my head is my hair" said Shinji as his eyes started to twitch "and I am not constipated. What I am is no where closer to the Clock Tower!"

So it wasn't abdominal movements after all. How peculiar. Oh well, Flat was sure that he would get it right next time!

This train of thought was fortunately derailed by the sudden appearance of a mysterious stranger and there was nothing that could quite attract Flats attention like a good mystery. Or a possible new friend. Or a squirrel. Or a laser pointe-

"Excuse me!" said the mysterious young gold haired women with a polite smile as she slowly walked up to them wearing a frilly dress "I couldn't help but overhear that you were heading to the Clock Tower. My name is Luviagelita Edelfelt and I would like to join you…. I am new to London and I'm afraid that I have gotten lost exploring the city."

Something about that statement didn't quite add up to Flat. Hadn't Master V complained about a drill haired Edelfelt several times starting a few months ago? The mystery of the young women was already deepening. Perhaps she was one of the professors many stalkers? He would have to keep an eye on her.

The professors innocence and virtue may very well be at stake!

"You can join us if you never want to get there" said Shinji as he turned to answer her with wide maniac eyes.

"I beg your pardon?" asked Luvia as she slowly backed away from and looked at the young man in confusion.

"Despite several hours of walking the farthest we have gotten is a parking lot one block from here before getting turned around" said Shinji as he looked pointedly at the redhead "because someone here has a hero complex."

"Sorry about that" said Shirou as he rubbed the back of his head sheepishly before giving a small bow "but I just can't stand by when someone needs help. My name is Shirou by the way."

"…Tha-that is fine I guess" said Luvia hesitantly "I suppose there is nothing wrong with being chivalrous… even in this day and age."

"Lets all just go ahead" said Shinji as he absentmindedly brushed his hair with his hands "I'd like to get back to the Clock Tower sometime today."

"Sure" said Shirou as they started back down the path that they had been heading "It's not like I want to be late for work."

"If we are late then it is entirely your fault" said Shinji as he crossed his arms "you're not the only one who has a job and I left some equipment I need back in the classroom."

"Oh" asked Luvia as they continued on their way "so the both of you are students and work at the same time?"

"Yes," said Shirou "I work as a member of the custodial staff under a private contract."

"What exactly do you do as a custodian?" asked Luvia turning to the redhead "Its pretty rare to earn a private contract outside of the main departments so it must be an unusual position."

"All I really do is try to clean up my bosses messes faster than he can make them" said Shirou with a shrug "It's something of a competition between us. He's winning."

"What exactly does your boss do again" asked Shinji as he looked back at the redhead with a raised eyebrow.

"Our office of the Mages Association deals primarily with illegal aliens" said Shirou with a small shrug "…and sometimes legal aliens too but I'm told that for whatever reason those are pretty rare."

"I see" said Luvia with a raised eyebrow "…if I may be so bold to ask, were you out here because of work?"

"Nope. He's here because we kidnapped him for our nefarious purposes" said Flat causing Luvia to once again stumble.

"At least you admit it" said Shirou as they once again made it to the edge of the small parking lot "hmm, would you look at that, an old lady. Let me go check to see if she needs help with anything."

"Ok, thats it, what gives Emiya?" said Shinji as he grabbed Shirou's shoulder preventing the red head from leaving "why are you trying to delay us?"

"Ah" stated Shirou with a strained smile "so you caught on to that."

"Of course I did" said Shinji as his scowl grew "as much of a brownie you are, you were never this bad. If you were, then you never would have made it to Homurahara on time for classes. And you're not even being subtle about this anymore!"

"Well" admitted Shirou as he looked around the parking lot "I guess it's too late to turn back this time anyway."

"Huh?" questioned Luvia as she along with Shinji looked at the redhead in confusion.

"We have been surrounded" said Shirou as he scanned the buildings around them.

"I had been wondering about that bounded field I took over the first time we got here" piped in Flat with an uncharacteristically serious face.

"Bounded field?" asked Luvia as she finally noticed the unusually deserted streets of London "how did you notice it and when did you have the time to take it over?"

"I smelt it" said Shirou with an unconcerned shrug.

"Huh, so your method is the same as Le Chien's then" said Flat as he nodded to himself "I just saw the bounded field and took it over because I was bored and didn't have anything better to do."

"Th-thats ridiculous" said Luvia as she started looking around for who ever it was that had set the field up "I'm considered a once in a hundred year prodigy and even I couldn't take over a bounded field like that without any preparation!"

"Really?" asked Shirou as they finally reached the closest cars "what exactly is a once in a century prodigy anyway? I would have thought that once a century would be self explanatory but it doesn't quite work out if I can count my master, along with now you, and apparently Flat here to be among that number during an era when magecraft is supposed to be in decline. I'm really starting to feel that genius is overrated."

"Can we please get back on track about that tiny little detail of us being surrounded?" asked Shinji anxiously "like who they are and what they are after?"

The answer to the latter question became readily apparent as several rounds of sniper fire were shot from the third floor of a building across from them… only to flatten against the very bounded field that had once been built to trap it's targets inside. Several more rounds were fired from the other buildings overlooking the large parking lot only to meet the same fate.

"I think I have figured out what they want" said Flat as he raised his hand up (un)helpfully "I might have accidentally left my top secret plans to take over the world on a napkin back at the gas station and these guys are secret agents here to stop us."

"Us?" asked Luvia with a twitch.

"Of course Golden Stalker, did you think I didn't plan for you guys to help me?" asked Flat almost sounding hurt "…but then again this was back before you joined us and we were busy fighting those Nazi zombies so these guys might actually let you go."

Luvia twitched a little more.

The sudden detonation of an RPG against the barrier might have suggested otherwise but no one bothered to comment on it. They were a little too busy hiding between cars.

"So" asked Shinji as he looked around warily "does anyone have any bright ideas?"

"I can hot wire one of the cars" said Shirou as he moved over to break the window of the closest motor vehicle.

"No need" said Flat as he dangled a pair of keys from his hands and motioned for them to enter the open doors of the car he stood by.

"…That's oddly convenient" said Luvia as she went into the back of the car.

"Hey" said Flat proudly "I found my napkin!"

SCENE BREAK 2

As he entered the pub room looking for his contact, Kairi Shishigou took in the scene and scents of his favorite London hangout. The room was filled with the sounds of idle conversations and clinking glasses while a pungent odor of tobacco and alcohol filled the room. The building was furnished with exorbitantly expensive wood originating from the long lost great forests of Britain and hanging from each corner of the room was a small television playing anything from sports to the news.

The Rusty Turnip was a pub that catered exclusively to magi.

A place where magi could unwind, barter for goods, and trade gossip. But more importantly, it was also one of the few places that was apart of the Mage's Association where smoking wasn't frowned upon. With a puff, Kairi blew out some smoke and made his way over to a small little table across from the entrance where a student sat.

He was a young man with very average spiky brown hair and an even more plain face. With only a single glance it was obvious to anyone who looked at him that he was nothing more than a random and completely unimportant background character.

He was also Kairi's contact.

"Sorry I'm late" said Kairi as he sat down across from the brown eyed man "the police tried to arrest me again and it took me a little longer than usual to ditch them even with magecraft. Lets just say that all the police in London will be busy for the next few hours chasing fake terrorists in the country side."

"I see" said the informant nodding his head with a plain expression. Not that this was intentional, but the young man in Kairi's experience just wasn't very expressive period. It was probably the reason the brown haired spy had been hired by the Americans in the first place.

"I have a mark" said the necromancer as he placed a photo of a young man with red hair and gold eyes on the table "his name is Shirou Emiya."

Of course he had already called ahead to make sure that his informant had enough time to gather the information needed in the first place. At this point, it was strictly a matter of protocol.

"Your needs?" asked the information broker plainly.

"What his magecraft is, what his preferred tactics are, and who his friends are" said Kairi as he adjusted his shades "I want to know what I'm going to need to take down the son of the magus killer."

"You don't" stated the young brown haired man sitting across from him.

"What?" asked Kairi almost slipping in his seat and feeling a little put off "what do you mean by I don't?"

"…I forgot."

With a roll of his eyes Kairi pulled out several wads of bills and handed them over to the informant.

"Plot Armor" replied the younger man slightly more open now.

"Plot Armor?" asked Kairi with an arched eyebrow "do you think you could try to at least make your next statement a little more informative than just two words?"

"…Counter Force" said the young man sticking to his guns with the same determination held by that of all the other underpaid interns in the world. Kairi could respect that in a man.

Those two words still managed to hold a lot of weight to them.

"…Exactly how certain is the agency of this?" asked Kairi as a chill travelled down his spine with his new understanding of just what kind of BS levels of plot armor he might be up against.

The young man patiently held out his hand and with a grumble Kairi found his wallet far lighter. Informants could be so stingy when they thought that their information was oh so valuable…

"My most immediate superior enjoys watching the Grail Wars for entertainment and reports his findings to the agency for a hefty fee" said the brown eyed informant "if I recall correctly, I believe his assessment of the young man was something along the lines of; 'If any of you lesser lifeforms somehow manage to find yourselves earning the ire of that man then you should just go ahead and kill yourselves to save the rest of us the trouble,' though I might be paraphrasing a little bit…"

"So is it just that he's skilled?" asked Kairi shrewdly "because skilled people can still be killed with the proper preparation."

"When the agency asked my superior to try recruiting Shirou Emiya, he replied that any person who can 'level up' from being a third rate magus to soloing the most powerful heroic spirit of all time in less than two weeks was a person that he didn't want to be on the same continent with" replied the informant blandly.

"Ok" acknowledged Kairi as he blinked several times behind his shades "planet powered plot armor. Got it."

"Planet powered plot armor" agreed the informant with an acknowledging nod of the head.

"You know, you really should work on being more expressive" said Kairi with a sigh "people might start thinking that you're bad at civilization."

"Really?" asked the unimportant minor character with the tilt of his head to express his confusion.

"Never mind" said Kairi as he stood up from their table "I'll send the usual fee to the agency for setting up the meeting."

As he headed further into the pub, the mercenary took a quick look around noticing a few familiar faces, though there was no one from his own little circle of friends and associates. Or at least that was the case until Lord El-Melloi II stormed into the pub carrying a small orange haired menace under one of his arms. With a raised eyebrow Kairi watched the only Lord of the Clock Tower to frequent the establishment march straight to a red haired women who he hadn't noticed before.

Her habit of constantly hiding behind bounded fields could get pretty annoying at times. Not that he could blame the former sealing designate who was use to living on the run from bounty hunters such as himself.

"Touko" greeted Lord El-Melloi II as he carried a wiggling form under one of his arms which he set down before the women wearing glasses "I believe that this belongs to you and I would like you to know that I never want to see it again."

"Hello squirt" said Touko as she gently patted the orange haired menace on the head.

"Look at what I found" said Gudako as she happily held out a gameboy "now I can make cute little pocket monsters fight and die at my command!"

"…I'm going to want that back" said Lord El-Melloi II grumpily as he looked at the Aozaki.

"Lord El-Melloi II" said Kairi as he approached the trio "I haven't seen you in a while."

"Shishigou" replied Lord El-Melloi II with a small respectful nod of his head.

"You know" said Kairi as he looked down at the little orange haired girl "playing video games really isn't all that healthy. You should learn to interact more with others or you'll turn into a crabby old man before your time like Lord El-Melloi II here."

"So what you are saying is" asked Gudako as she tilted her head in thought and looked at the scarred bounty hunter innocently "that rather than playing with the lives of people in video games I should instead be doing that in real life?"

"…Sure, why not?" said Kairi with a shrug as he idly scratched his cheek. That was pretty much what magi did when they could bother to be social.

"Cute kid" said Lord El-Melloi II as he stared at them all glumly.

"In my defense" said Touko as she absently typed on her laptop "I wasn't wearing my glasses at the time."

"So thats the excuse we are going with now" noted Kairi getting an eye roll from the redheaded women.

"So" said Lord El-Melloi II as he pulled out a cigar "find anything good on the Dark Amazon lately?"

"Dark Amazon?" asked Kairi with a raised eyebrow not having heard the term before.

"It's a term used to refer to a collection of web sites that various people and societies use to sell magical items" answered the youngest Lord of the Clock Tower "typically without the Association's knowledge."

That made a surprising amount of sense to Kairi. The law enforcement of the Association was mostly run by the Barthomeloi who were all staunch conservatives. Odds were that they didn't even know the internet was a thing. The irony of course was that the Enforcers who all worked for the Department of Law all had a great deal of technical know how in order to remove any incriminating evidence that modern technology could detect.

It really was a case of the blind leading the seeing.

Which made it all the more ironic that Lord El-Melloi II was one of the most knowledgable lecturers on modern technology, when strictly speaking, the El-Melloi were technically apart of the Clock Tower's conservative faction falling directly under the Barthomeloi's thumb.

"For a man who works under the head of law" mused Kairi as he let out another puff "I find it ironic that you are so knowledgable about a black market based around technology."

"As I'm sure you are well aware" said Lord El-Melloi II as he took a puff of his own "I'm not exactly the wealthiest Lord around so I'll take what bargain deals I can get. Besides, you have worked with me in the past on some of my cases so I think you can appreciate just how useful knowledge on the underground markets can be."

That drew a grunt of acknowledgment from the mercenary.

"Even then" said Touko as she formed the final member of their triad of part time smoking detectives and brought out her own cigar "there are some pretty rare items that can be found here if you know how to look for them and I think that this might just be the deal of the century."

"And what exactly would that be?" asked Lord El-Melloi II as he leaned back in his seat.

"A reproduction of Excalibur" said Touko with her eyes glued to her laptops screen.

"And whats so special about a prop item?" asked Lord El-Melloi II with a raised eyebrow "is it autographed from some movie?"

"It's a Faux Noble Phantasm" said Touko causing the youngest lord in the Clock Towers history to break out into a coughing fit as he nearly choked on his cigar.

"…That doesn't even make sense" muttered Lord El-Melloi II as he moved over to look at the screen and saw that Faux Noble Phantasms were apparently now in fact a thing "…Is that a wooden stick?"

Item: Excalibur DOUBLE EXTRA FAUX

Summery: A copy of a twig once imbued with the powers of Excalibur by the 'Lionheart.' This fake Noble Phantasm like all swords belonging to proper servants of the saber class also doubles as a mega particle beam cannon to deal with those cowardly enemies that refuse to fight in glorious and honorable melee.

Final Price: $50,000 (Each)

Quantity in Stock: 7

Seller ID: GilgameshSucks

~Description - Click to Enlarge~

"Particle beam cannon?" asked Kairi with disbelief "they certainly don't make swords like they use to if that's what was once considered proper."

"There is a reason that servants of the Saber class are considered the best" said Lord El-Melloi II with an annoyed scowl "you either fight them up close or you get nuked. Cheaters the lot of them."

"I will keep that in mind" said Kairi with a small wistful nod.

"The real question is how close are they to the original?" asked Lord El-Melloi II looking over the description "…only a four rank reduction in abilities? Thats actually not all that bad for a bunch of twigs."

"Assuming that they are real in the first place" said Kairi before he let out a low whistle "does this guy have some sort of a factory to make them? They might not be a low price, but they are definitely going for a whole lot less than they should be if this is the real deal with those kinds of stats."

"Something of the sort" said Touko as she pointed to a detail they had missed "they have an expiration date when not stored in the proper type of bounded field. Each artificial phantasm comes in a special box that can store the phantasm while sealed. When not sealed they will last an average of four hours."

"Now the question is if this is worth the risk of them being apart of a scam?" asked Lord El-Melloi II with a frown.

"I think there shouldn't be any problem if I ordered just one and waited to see if this is the real deal" said Touko as she made a purchase.

"You should probably just go ahead and blow all your savings while you still can" said Gudako as she continued to play Lord El-Melloi II's game.

"Hm…" hummed Touko with a frown before nodding her head slowly "I guess you're right."

"…Shouldn't you at least wait for you're first order?" questioned Lord El-Melloi II as he stared at her with his cigar barely hanging from his jaws.

"Nothing ventured nothing gained" said Touko as she placed fake phantasm after fake phantasm into her cart "besides, according to this, half of the proceeds are going to orphanages while the remaining half will be used to fight against all of the worlds evils. This right here is good karma."

Kairi took note to never trust Touko when it came to financial advice ever again. This knowledge was nothing new to him, but sometimes it was important to remind himself of the reasons why. He also amended that Gudako gives bad advice. Period.

He still wasn't sure if it was intentional or not.

"…Isn't the Association technically evil?" asked Kairi as he scratched his chin in concern. For some reason he felt a strange sense of foreshadowing at the thought.

"Meh" said Touko waving away the concern out of hand "a minor detail."

Kairi shrugged his shoulders at that. After all, there was no way that any first rate magus capable of making artificial noble phantasms would be the unreasonable type to take on the likes of the entire Association over something as ambiguous as 'justice' and 'evil,' right?

"So" said Lord El-Melloi II as he turned back to the scarred bounty hunter "what brought you all the way back to London in the first place Shishigou? Last I checked you were headed to the airport for a small job out in Africa."

"My plans changed when a hefty bounty on the son of the magus killer came out" said Kairi with a wince "…I have since been persuaded to look for alternative targets."

"Ah" acknowledged the young Lord "so you found out that he's one of Zelretch's then?"

"What?" asked Kairi almost stumbling for a moment.

"Oh, you didn't know?" asked Lord El-Melloi II as he puffed on his cigar.

"Huh" said Kairi before he downed one of Touko's shots in a single gulp earning a mild glare "now I kind of feel sorry for all those suckers who decided to go for the hit. It's for the things like this that you always gather information on your target first."

"So then" asked Touko as she adjusted her glasses "what was it that originally persuaded you to give up?"

"Plot armor" said Kairi as he leaned back in his seat.

"Ah" was the simultaneous response from his two companions showing that they had at least a passing understanding. They must have had prior experience in the matter.

"Professor Charisma" said Touko with a quirked lip as she moved to show them another sale displayed on her laptop "I think I might have found another item that you will be a little more interested in."

Item: Lord El-Melloi II's underwear

Summery: A pair of dirty underwear once worn by the great Professor of Charisma. They have been left unwashed to ensure that they still permeate with his holy greatness. Brought to you by the one trusted source on all items Lord El-Melloi II.

Starting Bidding Price: $3

Highest Bid: $1,475,789

Quantity in Stock: 1

Seller ID: Reines_is#1

~Description - Click to Enlarge~

"Tha-" said Kairi as he let out a chocking laugh and beat his fist against his chest "that just made my day. How do you plan to get back at her for this one?"

"I don't" said Lord El-Melloi II as he stared at the seven digit number blankly "if anything, I'm more impressed with her deviant little mind than anything else. If I had known just how stupid people could be I would have bought some briefs, tossed them into a sewer for several days, and then sold them as my own."

"What about your pride as a magus?" asked Touko with a raised eyebrow in amusement.

"According to my legal contract" said Lord El-Melloi II his eyes unblinking "I am officially recognized by the Clock Tower as Reines pet Guinea Pig. I have no pride."

"…That actually explains so much" said Kairi his eyes holding absolutely no pity for the Clock Tower Lord.

"Hey, Lord El-Melloi!" called out one of the pub patrons as he pointed at one of the televisions hanging from the wall "Isn't that your new car on the TV? The one with the blonde kid waving up at the news helicopter?"

"I don't even know what Flat has done yet" growled Lord El-Melloi II with a scowl as the glass cup in his hands shattered "but I can already guarantee that no one will ever find the body."

SCENE BREAK 3

"Where in the world did you learn to drive?" asked Luvia as her head was nearly smashed into a window yet again.

A question that Shinji dearly wanted answered himself as he struggled with the seat belt to avoid strangling to death. If he was going to die today, then it was going to be by something more awesome than a seat belt, thank you.

"My legal guardian was a yakuza princess" said Shirou as he calmly curved the car around an air borne rocket propelled grenade "I asked her grandfather to have some of his best men teach me their trade over the summer break."

So much for being a hero of justice Emiya. For a moment Shinji actually considered feeling proud of Shirou's descent from grace but experience told him that he would soon be very disappointed with whatever came out of the redheads mouth next.

"They were all very excited to learn that I was planning on going into humanitarian work and put in a lot of effort into helping me out" said Shirou as he sped down the road "Unfortunately, because of their criminal activities, I ended up spending more time fighti- err, I mean reeducating them on proper civility than anything else so we only had enough time to skim over the basics."

Kind of like that. Was it any wonder that the redhead had a few screws loose when those were the kind of people he hung around with when growing up? Shinji honestly regretted not being around to bos- help out the young man when they had both been younger. Shinji was certain that he would have made for a much better influence on the Emiya than the likes of Fujimura-sensei.

"I don't know whats worse" said Luvia as the car was rattled by another explosion nearly causing them to flip over as the car momentarily drove along two side wheels "that you were trained by criminals to fight criminals or that you have the nerve to call this basic!"

"Epic car chases are just one of the many things that a hero of justice might need to know" said Shirou as he briefly checked the rear view mirror after the car slammed back down onto all fours "like abduction, espionage, hacking, and causing pointless massive explosions."

And suddenly this whole hero of justice thing was starting to sound kind of cool to Shinji… wait… what was that last one?

Without a word Shirou put on a pair of traced sunglasses right before he swerved while hitting the breaks and then rammed one of the pursuing cars into a nearby gas station causing an explosion that sent the entire structure up in flames. The explosion generated a powerful gust of wind that slammed a large cloud of smoke and dust into the streets blinding lesser drivers who were not Yakuza trained.

With a lurch the battered car burst forth through the cloud trailing a stream of smoke.

"We are saving the more advanced stuff for next summer" noted Shirou as he raced through a red light "until then I can only claim to be second rate."

"You just blew up a gas station in the middle of London" said Luvia as she looked back in disbelief.

"It's not like anyone else was around after the Nazi's took it over" said Flat helpfully "besides, a few mundane explosions caused by mundane means aren't going to reveal the existence of magecraft to anyone."

"Do we have any ideas on who they might be targeting?" asked Shinji with a grunt as he was banged into a window by a hasty turn. Shinji was starting to suspect that the redhead was doing that on purpose.

"I'm rich so they might be out to ransom me" admitted Luvia before looking away a small flush "…and my family has made a lot of enemies over the years so it could be that."

"It might just be my parents trying to assassinate me again" noted Flat as he stared out the windows "but then again their plans were usually far more elaborate and ruthless than this."

"They set up a bounded field, a team of snipers, several pursuit vehicles, and clearly bribed the entire London police force given that there hasn't been any response yet" said Luvia ducking as the car was hit by several bullets "how can they possibly get more elaborate and ruthless than that!?"

"Well" replied Flat thoughtfully "there was this one time that they summoned cute little ponies to kill me. Things got pretty messy after one of them almost blew up Fem's Casa and a golem castle got involved."

For a moment Shinji considered adding his own two cents about family night at the Escardos house hold, but then he remembered that most of his own family in the last few generations had an unfortunate tendency of ending up as worm chow. Instead he decided to take a far more productive approach for once.

"Oh look" quipped Shinji as an unreadable expression crossed his face at the sound of beating rotors filling the air "they brought an attack helicopter."

Perhaps Flat's comment on secret agents wasn't so far off the mark after all.

"Actually" said Shirou as he peaked out the window at their latest pursuer "that's technically just a scout helicopter."

"Does it matter what kind it is?" asked a panicking Luvia as she looked out the back window "it still has gatling guns on the sides. Do you even care that we are all about to die!?"

"I've faced worse odds than this" said Shirou with an unconcerned shrug "you _really_ have no idea how far archers will go out of their way to kill me."

"I'm sure that if Ayako ever found out about that she would call it karma" said Shinji snidely "though I have to agree that compared to living with my grandfather for eighteen years, an attack by a helicopter and a few dozen terrorists is absolutely nothing. Don't even get me started on my sister-"

A strong downward wind from above rattled the car causing Shinji to pause mid sentence in alarm. He looked back and saw that the helicopter was flying rather low between the buildings as it's manned gatling guns started to spin up.

"On second thought I think you should drive a little faster Emiya…" said Shinji as his face turned a chalky white. Why hadn't he gone with the rest of the class again? In retrospect, following a teacher in a line filled with little children far younger than himself like a little duckling didn't seem quite so bad when compared to being a sitting duck.

"By the way" said Shirou as he skidded the car around a sharp corner just barely avoiding the helicopters first burst of armor piercing rounds that cratered the road behind them "how has Sakura been doing? She seemed a little depressed after she found out that I was going to London with my master. Sometimes I can't help but worry about her."

"You know that smile your girlfriend sometimes gets?" responded Shinji as a glazed look entered his eyes getting a nod from their suddenly very apprehensive redheaded driver. Their driver who didn't so much as flinch at the idea of gatling guns. "Thats Sakura's default face these days. Always smiling at you like a little angel. An angel of death. There is a reason that I went ahead and payed the exorbitant fees for a last minute entry into the Clock Tower and that gramps suddenly decided to go on a vacation to the other side of the world."

"It can't be that bad" said Luvia disbelievingly as she looked at him with a raised eyebrow "even I would hesitate at the Clock Towers late entrance fees."

"Just last week I witnessed the miracle of a bunch of old ladies in wheelchairs learning how to walk again" said Shinji with a haunted expression as the sound and flash from a nearby explosion substituted in place of the more traditional and ominous lightning strike "…I was actually impressed with how much effort they put into jumping off of the bridge."

"I stand corrected" admitted Luvia as she tried to work her jaw.

"Does anyone know the way to the Clock Tower?" interrupted Shirou as he dodged another black van that tried to ram them.

"Good thinking Shero!" exclaimed Luvia as her face lit up in realization "we can get help from the Association! There is no way that they can overlook a targeted assassination of this scale against members of the Clock Tower in broad daylight."

"Nah, that not it" admitted Shirou as a frown crossed his face "I just don't want to be late for work. If I miss one day for something like this then I might start to miss work for similar reasons. I don't want to start forming bad habits."

Talk about dedication to the cause man. Dedication to the cause.

"…I'm not going to even comment on that" said Luvia as she sat back with an irritated expression crossing her face.

"Welcome to the club" said Shinji equally irritated as more air borne armor piercing rounds strafed them "but that doesn't really change the fact that it's a good idea even if his reasoning like always is horribly wrong."

Shinji had to give it to these guys, they were almost as dedicated and singleminded as their idiotic redheaded driver. It almost made him want to turn his friends in himself just to see what kind of money was involved and who it was that they wanted six feat under. Ah, who was he trying to kid, It was definitely Shirou they were after. No one else could possibly incite such a burning desire to see someone dead quite like the redhead could.

His refusal to take action had absolutely nothing to do with his new found fear of his adopted sister. Nothing at all, because Shinji was a good friend who took care of his own and there was absolutely no way that Sakura could read his thoughts from several continents away.

Was it wrong that the little purple haired angel acting as his conscious from her perch upon his shoulder was actually the devil in disguise?

"I don't think that we can rely on the Association for help Captain Seaweed" said Flat as he cheerfully poked his head out the window "there is a news helicopter flying around."

"And the people targeting us are fine with it flying around showing everything that they are doing?" asked Luvia perplexed.

"It prevents us from using magecraft to retaliate" noted Shirou as turned another corner with enough force to send everyone crashing in their seats.

"I found a map" said Flat as he unfolded a map of London "huh, I never knew that there was a Ahnenerbe Cafe near the London bridge. I thought that they were just a myth."

"Are there any places hidden from the open nearby?" asked Shirou as he barely avoided a head on collision.

"Sure" said Shinji snidely "but none that wouldn't leave us trapped to whoever it is they have in those vans."

"Thats fine" said Shirou as he accelerated "I have a plan."

It should be noted that this did not fill Shinji with any confidence. Shirou was after all dating Rin Tohsaka.

"There should be a parking garage coming up soon" said Flat as he looked over the map.

"That should be good enough" said Shirou as he swerved down another corner hoping to shake off some of their pursuers "Shinji, prepare to take the wheel. Flat, I'm going to need you to give me a warning when we are getting close and then focus on the map. Ignore everything else and map a direct route to the Clock Tower's parking lot."

Confused, Shinji moved himself between the front two seats as Shirou followed Flat's directions.

"It should be up ahead on the left in thirty-seconds" said Flat as Shirou leaned back and let Shinji take the wheel from his position between the dynamic duo of their group.

"Ok, thats good, just make sure to avoid driving into anything sharp and pointy" said Shirou before he popped a jewel into his mouth "we don't want to get a flat tire."

"Whats that supposed to mean?" asked Shinji as he once again started to question the plan that in retrospect he really didn't know anything about.

Unfortunately, it seemed that Shirou had already started chanting whatever spell it was that would help them get out of this mess. It was also roughly around this time that another van rammed them from behind that Shinji decided he didn't like this plan one bit.

He was actually pretty proud that he did not scream like a little girl when a barrage of gatling gun fire forced him to swerve back and forth like a mad man.

"Emiya!" shouted Shinji in a wide eyed panic "you better hurry up with what ever you are planning because this is going to be a close one!"

It was as the helicopters armor piercing rounds got closer and closer to hitting their mark that a red bolt flew through the sky and suddenly impacted the air vehicle in a fiery explosion.

"Huh" commented Luvia as the helicopters remains crashed behind them "looks like the Association must have sent someone after all."

Just in time too even if it was a bit last minute with the parking garage now in sight. Unfortunately, the remaining would be assassins were a lot more wary of high ordinance explosives now and decided it would be wise to close the distance.

"We are in!" shouted Shinji just as they entered the structure filled with cars at full speed.

"Unlimited Blade Works" intoned Shirou completing his spell just before they could crash into any of the many parked cars.

And suddenly Reality was replaced with fire and lots of it.

"A reality marble!?" gasped Luvia in disbelief as the fire cleared away to a scene of monolithic gears hanging from the sky. Oh, and there were also swords there too.

"Swords!" shouted Shinji leaning forward with wide maniac eyes as he swerved the battered car around sharp and pointy objects like a man possessed "Sword! Sword! Why are there so many swords!?"

Fortunately some of the swords they ran over seemed to be as frail as paper. This however was not enough to save the car from its fate.

"I think we just lost a wheel!" yelled Shinji as the car started wobbling.

"Keep going straight for two-hundred meters" said Flat as he focused on the map before him "and then make a right turn at the Outer Heaven building on Cogs lane."

"Two-hundred meters!?" asked Shinji as the car frantically dodged more and more swords "there are no lanes or road signs!"

"Then how about now?" asked Flat as he briefly looked up from his map "ya, I think we are supposed to turn here. The professor always did say that the corporations would take over the world someday but I didn't think he meant it quite so literally."

"I'll take that back" said Shirou as he grabbed the steering wheel from Shinji much to the latter's relief.

Anything that put an additional layer between himself and certain death was always welcome in his book.

"You have a reality marble!?" asked Luvia again as she continued to gape at the redhead.

"Whats the problem with him having real marbles?" asked Flat as he continued studying the map and giving directions "we can turn left right about now. I think?"

Shinji was not amused when he finally noticed that the map in the blonde boys hands was upside down.

"Reality marbles are a forbidden magecraft that come infinitely close to true magic!" said Luvia with a growl "it's practically a guarantee for a sealing designation!"

"I don't get what the big deal is" said Shirou rolling his eyes as he made a turn on sword filled land scape enjoying the scenery of their otherworldly commute "you make it sound as if there are actually people out there who don't posses something that comes close to a true magic. And why is it that the people who come close to true magic get sealing designations when the people who go all the way don't? Is coming in second place really considered that bad?"

"Don't be absurd!" shouted Luvia outraged at the notion "it takes generations for a magus line to advance even a little bit!"

"Are you sure?" asked Shirou with a shrug "because it feels like everyone has some sort of forbidden technique or secret weapon that comes close enough these days. Even people who don't even know that they have special powers to begin with. You should probably check your families basement some time. Odds are that there is a super weapon or a scroll containing some forbidden lost magic down there."

"I'm going to have to go with Emiya on this one" said Shinji far more relaxed now "if a third rate hack like him can advance this far then obviously anyone can."

"You call this third rate?" asked Luvia in disbelief as she looked out the window at island sized gears floating in the sky and an ocean of conceptual weapons that were each more powerful than anything that most magi could ever… was that an oven?

Shinji and Luvia both turned their heads in synch staring out the window as the car passed by the once mighty culinary implement. No words were spoken. Some things were simply better left unasked.

"We should be in the Clock Tower's main parking lot now" said Flat getting a grunt of confirmation from Shirou.

As the reality marble receded the car lightly bumped into a cafeteria table holding several very surprised Association students and their lunches as the car came to a gentle stop.

"So" said Shinji as he looked around at the students pointing at them "it looks like we missed the parking lot by just a teensy bit."

"How are we going to explain popping up in the middle of the cafeteria to the Association?" asked Luvia as she looked around "we can't exactly tell them that Shero has a reality marble after everything we just went through."

"Oh, thats easy Ms. Drill Breaker Hyena" said Flat with a knowing look "we just have to let them know that this is Professor Charisma's car. The Association tends to give up and stop asking questions whenever the Department of Modern Magecraft is involved."

"Because you people have the audacity to combine technology with magecraft?" asked Luvia as she stared dully at her fellow blonde.

"That too" said Flat as he nodded his head in agreement.

"Wait…" asked Luvia after a pause "this wreck of a car belonged to that fraud Lord El-Melloi?"

"Yes" said Flat as he looked around sadly "…it was brand new too."

"…Excellent" said Luvia practically purring as she rested her chin on her hands looking at the mass of scorch marks and bullet holes from her position in the back seat "…most excellent indeed."

"Actually" said Shirou as he dusted off his pants "my contract came with a lifetime clause about events involving the 'manipulation of worlds' so I don't think having a reality marble will be a problem from a purely legal stand point."

"So" asked the Edelfelt heiress as she directed her gaze onto the redhead "you have all the qualifications for a janitorial position, presumably have some measure of combat skills, legally posses a forbidden magecraft, and more importantly wrecked Lord El-Melloi's brand new car?"

"…Yes?" said Shirou as he looked at the various dents and smashed windows.

At least she had her priorities straight.

"You definitely need to be my new butler" said Luvia with a look that brooked no room for negotiation.

"Sorry" apologized Shirou as he dusted off his pants "but as tempting as that sounds I already have a contract."

"Then take me to this boss of yours" said Luvia as a predatory smile crossed her face "I don't care who he is, I'll force him let me have you if I have to!"

SCENE BREAK 4

"I have an important mission for you" said Zelretch as he marched back and forth like a drill sergeant in front of a platoon of trainees "this mission will require the cunning to take advantage of any openings, the determination to face impossible odds, but most importantly, this mission requires that you be completely one hundred and ten percent expendable."

Zelretch stopped and turned to face the assembled retinue of the finest he could get his hands on under such short notice.

"You are to obtain a lock of hair from Lorelei Barthomeloi" said Zelretch gravely "I do not expect any of you to survive."

"Does this mission serve an actual purpose?" asked Shirou with a raised hand from his position in the gaudy little office as he looked around with a twitching eye.

Luvia honestly had to wonder about that. Sure the disco ball, colorful assortment of fluffy couches, and various lava lamps were all a little tacky but she really felt that Shirou was overreacting.

"We don't tolerate free thinkers here" said Zelretch with a dismissive wave of his hands "…lets just say that there will be several lives at stake with this mission."

"I see" said Shirou as a steel like determination entered his eyes.

As the three made their way out of the room Luvia couldn't help but stare at the back of the Emiya's head as a bead of sweat made it's way down her neck.

"So your boss is Zelretch?" asked the Edelfelt heiress with a twitch as they left the room.

Surprisingly alive and with no changes to their persons. At least no visible ones. Luvia made a mental note to have a quick check up for any sudden shifts in her personality when she returned home. In retrospect, that lifetime clause about events involving the 'manipulation of worlds' suddenly made a lot more sense.

It did not paint a pretty picture.

"Yes" said Shirou as he briefly turned around and pointed at the name tag on his new janitorial uniform. The white clothes, blue overalls, and big white cap with a big 'N' written on the front looked surprisingly normal on someone working directly under a man with a reputation as infamous as that of the second sorcerers. The only thing missing was a mustache.

The name tag read on the front read as:

'Nameless Minion of Zelretch: 'No Name.'

Warning: This person has lived in the presence

of the glorious Sorcerer Zelretch and has

potentially awakened protagonist powers.

Keep away from the hearts of young and

impressionable maidens at all times.'

Apparently those who worked under the fourth Dead Apostle Ancestor were not worthy of names.

"So much for finally getting my own ninja butler" mumbled Luvia with a slump. There was no way she was going fight over someone already claimed by Zelretch…

"Ninja?" asked Shirou with a raised eyebrow.

"Nothing! Nothing!" said Luvia as she waved her hands in front of her in panic "Nothing at all!"

She had so not meant to say that out loud!

"That was totally racial profiling" commented Shinji from his position behind them.

"Should you really be playing video games?" asked Luvia as she turned to face the wavy blue haired member of their group with a scowl "I thought you said that you have a job to do."

"This is my job" said Shinji as he focused on the game in his hands with an unnerving focus.

"Come again?" asked Luvia as she blinked at the blue haired young man.

"I play games" said Shinji as he turned to her with a smirk "and make money."

"What are you?" asked Luvia with a sniff "some sort of a man child?"

"You're just jealous" said Shinji his tone dripping with smugness.

"…No" denied Luvia as she looked away from him "of course not."

"Uh huh" hummed Shinji as he went back to his game with a small smile that left Luvia feeling as if she had somehow lost that argument. It was a feeling that she didn't like at all.

"So where are we going anyway Shero?" said Luvia as she turned to their redheaded companion.

"To the Vice Directors office" said Shirou causing Luvia to pause and stare at the redheads retreating back in uncomprehending horror.

"Are you insane?" asked Luvia in disbelief "Barthomeloi will kill you if she catches you! I thought we were just going to grab some random persons hair and be done with it!"

Did that idiot not understand just how much women valued their hair? Clearly not because he would be running away screaming right now if he had even the slightest clue as to how long women could spend in front of a mirror. To ruin all of that love and care was a death sentence of the grandest order deserving of nothing less than total annihilation. And that was just for normal women.

Female magi were far more petty than their mundane counterparts.

She really should have just turned around right then and there but a morbid sense of curiosity compelled her to continue on. Would the young man's death come in the form of riding crop or forbidden soul shattering spells of doom? Would it be instantaneous or prolonged for eternity?

Let it be known that one of the two true weaknesses held by all magi was an insatiable curiosity. The other weakness of course was mysteries.

"…Well, my core is twisted in madness, but I don't think thats particularly relevant right now" said Shirou as he paused to look back at her with a warm smile "besides, I have a plan."

It wasn't long before they reached the door to the office of the Vice Director of the Clock Tower. Oddly enough, there appeared to be an unusually large number of small holes in the door. With a shrug Shirou Emiya knocked on the door.

"You may enter" said an aristocratic voice from the other side of the door "so long as this is not a waste of my time…"

The three entered the spacious office and found themselves in a room with yet another Wizard Marshal of the Mage's Association in a single day. The brown haired women who didn't look to be any older than her mid twenties glared up at them from her spot behind her desk.

"Vice Director" said Shirou as he gave a small formal bow "…I have come for your hair."

"…What?" asked Lorelei Barthomeloi as she stared at the young red haired man incredulously.

And Luvia found her jaw hanging at the sheer audacity of her soon to be eviscerated associate.

"I have come for your hair" repeated Shirou as he projected a pair of scissors and stepped forward menacingly towards the Queen of the Clock Tower. His path was swiftly blocked by the Edelfelt heiress.

"I thought you said that you have a plan!" accused Luvia as she turned to the redhead panicking at their coming demise.

"This is the plan" said Shirou as he turned to Luvia with a raised eyebrow and projected a comb "within these mighty scissors of mine are the skills of the greatest hair stylists the world has ever known. Considering how much girls care about their hair, failure is not even a possibility with this once in a life time offer at stake."

…Was it wrong that she wanted to strangle him so very much?

"…Is it wrong that I want to strangle you so very much right now?" asked Luvia as she nearly slumped to the ground.

"Prepare yourselves" announced Lorelei as she glared at them from behind her desk "for your imminent doom."

"Will that really be necessary" asked Luvia waving a hand in front of her face nervously with a tight laugh as beads of sweat made their way down her face "I think that this is all just one big misunderstanding."

"Not really" said Shirou as he stared intently at the sitting form of the Queen of the Clock Tower "my boss told me to obtain a lock of your hair and I will not fail with the current stakes."

"Oh?" asked the Vice Director of the Clock Tower as she narrowed her eyes at the impudent redhead "and who exactly is this boss of yours?"

"I work under Zelretch" said Shirou as gold eyes met brown orbs.

"I see" said Lorelei with a small nod of her head before placing two completely innocuous objects on the desk in front of her "…I think I will go ahead and kill you all now. You may select the instruments of your deaths between this tea cup or this can opener. Choose wisely."

That sounded… slightly more ominous than any of Luvia's previous expectations.

"…Did you just threaten to kill us with cooking utensils?" asked Shirou sounding very unamused as he glared at the Vice Director of the Clock Tower.

Luvia was concerned. She honestly couldn't tell if Shirou was more vexed about the death threat or the idea of cooking tools being used for the art of murder. That scared her more than she wanted to admit.

Fortunately a synthetic voice chose that moment to enter the conversation drawing the attentions of the redheaded magus and the two female magi.

'Congratulations! New High Score!'

"What are you doing" asked Lorelei with a glare as she turned to face the blue haired magus causing the young man to pale.

"…My job" said Shinji as sweat ran down his face "I'm alpha testing a video game where you go around killing zombies and vampires."

"…Kill vampires?" asked the Lorelei Barthomeloi with a small twitch as she stiffened.

"Yes" answered Shinji apparently sensing an escape like the slippery little weasel he was "lots of them. Very brutally I might add."

"And how exactly do these… video games was it?… work again?" asked the Vice Director of the Clock Tower of the blue haired young magus as she stood up "you have my complete and fully undivided attention. If you dare to waste this rare opportunity I will ensure that you suffer a thousand deaths each more painful than the last."

"Well-" said Shinji with his face holding a clammy complexion as he started to lecture the leader of the Clock Towers conservative faction on the virtues of video games and their many, many uses for slaying vampires.

And for a moment Luvia actually considered assisted suicide VIA Vice Director. Sure it would probably be painful if the Vice Director still felt the need to employ tea cups and can openers, but at least she wouldn't have to suffer through this… this… whatever this was. The term insanity simply wasn't adequate enough anymore and she honestly doubted that there was a word in any language for whatever this was.

"-and that is the basics on how console games can be used to simulate brutally killing the undead abominations with cleansing holy fire" said Shinji nodding his head emphatically "naturally there is far more to this than just that but this should be enough to cover the bare basics."

"I have changed my mind" said the Vice Director nodding to herself as she plucked a hair and then pulled out a small box from under her desk "…these video games you speak of appear to be integral to the future of the Mage's Association and the Barthomeloi in our eternal war against the retched children of the moon kingdom. We will speak more on this in the future. Do you understand me?"

This got a large nod from Shinji as he looked fearfully at the brown haired women.

"And you said that this was for Zelretch?" asked Lorelei with hair in hand as she turned to face the redhead in the room with an icy smile that made Luvia and Shinji freeze up on instinct. Obviously the Emiya who glared back fearlessly with eyes of molten steel did not have such survival instincts and was doomed to become an evolutionary dead end.

"…Yes" said Shirou as he eventually walked up to the women and accepted the ornate wood container.

"Now leave" commanded the Vice Director of the Clock Tower as she pulled out several unusually sharp looking writing quills "…I have important business vital to the Association that must be attended too."

The triad turned around to exit the door… and paused.

Hanging from the slightly open door's interior side was an impressive laminated poster of a handsome looking fanged man who seemed to sparkle in the light. What made this poster different from the ones found in a normal girls room were the colorful assortment of quill pens sticking out of the impromptu dart board. With a casual glance back Luvia beheld the terrifying sight of a red faced Lorelei Barthomeloi who was panting as she glared at the sparkly vampire with a single minded hatred…

With a shriek Luvia pushed the two oblivious male magi out of the room and quickly slammed the door shut behind her. And just in time too.

 _Thump Thump Thump_

Several new holes formed in the now vibrating door as an array of quill ends poked through from the force of their hypervelocity impacts.

"Huh" commented Shinji as he stared at the pointy ends sticking out of the door before turning to the drill haired girl with a thumbs up "good job."

"…You guys are all twisted in madness" said Luvia as a tranquility she did not know could exist washed over her after the near death experience.

"I know" said Shirou as he looked at the blonde with a slow blink "is there any specific reason you felt the need to repeat my aria? I'm pretty sure that it doesn't work like that."

"There is no word in any language to describe whatever it is you people do so I'm stealing your phrase" said Luvia reasonably "why are you all so very twisted in madness?"

"Hm" said Shirou Emiya as he considered her question "it was either that time when I was eight and watched hundreds of people slowly burn to death in hell fire or it was that time Fuji-nee took me to Disney Land."

"The sad thing is that both are equally likely" said Shinji with an understanding nod.

"Not many people can claim to have seen hell twice" said Shirou stiffly "…sometimes I can still hear Goofy's screams when I sleep at night."

And just like that the tranquil feeling was gone. Luvia found herself so very, very curious and yet so utterly terrified of what she might hear. Somebody really needed to make a survival guide on how to deal with these people because cold brutal magus logic just wasn't cutting it.

On the bright side it did not take them long to get back to Zelretch's office. On the down side it did not take them long to get back to Zelretch's office. She was starting to understand some of Shirou's previous concerns about the room. When did the room suddenly become a hunters lodge and where in the world did Zelretch manage to find half a dozen jackalopes of all things?

Those weren't supposed to be real.

"You actually survived?" asked Zelretch sounding as impressed as he was disappointed at their return "…of course you did, what was I thinking?"

"We couldn't have done it without Shinji here" said Shirou causing the ancient vampire to raise a single brow as he stared at the… seaweed "he did most of the work and even saved our lives. I'm afraid that my abilities as a barber would have stood no chance against her martial arts tea ceremony. It was a bad matchup."

"Yes" agreed Shinji nodding his head sagely with a smile at the praise directed towards him "lets go with that."

"I see" said Zelretch as he took the ornate box from his minions hands with a perplexed expression "and just how did he manage that?"

"Because… these… people" growled Luvia lowering her head and allowed drill shaped hair to shadow her face "…are all twisted in madness!"

"I think I might actually be impressed" stated Zelretch as he turned to the redheaded young man "did you actually manage to drive someone insane on only your second day working under me?"

"Yes" snapped Luvia almost trembling in anger from where she stood glaring at them all "yes he did!"

"My nameless minion" said Zelretch as he put on his serious face and placed a hand on his minions shoulder "I just want you to know that I am very proud of you right now. I'll even allow you to call me uncle."

"No" said Shirou without any hesitation.

"Here" said the vampire as he handed the wooden container over to the redhead "you can go ahead and keep this little souvenir to celebrate your first successful mission."

"…I thought you said that lives were at stake?" asked Shirou taking the box as he stared at the vampire.

"Of course there were lives at stake" said Zelretch with a small shrug of his shoulders "you all could have died in unimaginably horrific ways at the hands of the vice director or tripped and snapped your necks walking down the hall. Such are only a few of the many dangers of life."

The redhead tilted the container as he stared at it in annoyance. A feeling that Luvia shared as she moved over to the redhead and grabbed the box from his hands.

"So" said Luvia as she glared at the ancient sorcerer "what you are saying is that we risked our lives for absolutely nothing?"

"Pretty much" conceded Zelretch now bored of the whole affair as he stared at the clock on the wall "I really don't get what you are complaining about. Sending out apprentices and minions on pointless suicidal missions for amusement is basically what all powerful wizards are supposed to do. It builds character."

"No" said Shinji as the second highest authority in video games and tropes right behind Lord El-Melloi II "that really isn't how it is supposed to work."

"Really?" asked Zelretch sounding puzzled "are you sure?"

The other two young adults nodded their heads showing consensus with their blue haired… ally? For some reason that term left a bad taste in Luvia's mouth when used to refer to the Matou.

"Well" muttered Zelretch with a small unconcerned shrug "I'm off the clock now so I'm going to go home."

Then the sorcerer was gone as if he had never been there in the first place.

Luvia threw the small wood container through the Dead Apostles former position into the wall which it bounced off of before coming to a stop between the three magi. The lid to the ornate container opened up and a spray of powder flew into the air causing the triad to sputter and choke.

With a grimace Shirou pulled out a small note from the opened box and read aloud.

'Congratulations unholy abomination of the Type-Moon. You have been selected as a test subject for our latest anti Dead Apostle formula. If you should survive, please fill out the form on this sheet and share with us your experience with our product so that we may provide better services in the future. Remember, customer satisfaction is very important to us so please be thorough in your description of any effects you may experience. Sincerely the Harwey Foundation. Warning: This box will now self-destruct.'

"Well" mused Shinji irritably as three magi and six jackalopes all stared at the box on the ground "that didn't sound ominous at all."

And then the box exploded.

SCENE BREAK 5

In an undisclosed location there was a dark room. This on its own was not unusual. What made this dark room slightly different from the majority of other dark rooms out there was that this room bore countless strange and arcane symbols all over the floor and walls. This too was not necessarily unusual as the world was filled with plenty of angsty teenagers. What made these symbols different than those made by your average angst driven teenager was that these symbols just so happened to glow in sinister hues of purple and red.

The room was in a state of disarray as if a force of nature had swept through and left nothing untouched. Books were strewn about along the floor and left open at seemingly random pages with countless scribbled notes written on their surfaces. Several items that could only be described as unnatural to the world of man were placed about the runes in positions that appeared random at best. For anyone who was foolish enough to look into the room, there could be no doubt that some horrible and dark ritual was about to take place.

It was more than evident that this was the room of a diabolical practitioner of the dark arts. A heretic of the highest order. Well, it was either that or the owner was a goth going all out with the dark and sinister theme even going so far as to buy glow in the dark paints. Both were equally likely.

Most however would agree that it was the occasional bouts of soft innocent humming that added the most disturbing and eerie aspect to this scene easily swinging the pendulum in favor of the diabolical practitioner of the dark arts theory.

A shadowed feminine form moved with a machine like precision brought about by years of dedication and practice. With each movement more and more symbols were placed where needed as a greater formal craft circle was formed at random from seemingly innocuous parts. It would not be long before the final preparations were completed. At this stage even a single mistake could spell disaster.

 _Knock Knock_

The shadowy figure flailed about in a spectacular display and crashed to the ground causing books to fall from their shelves and smash down onto the floor. Fortunately nothing exploded.

This time…

"It's time for dinner" a male voice called out from beyond the door to the room.

"…I'm busy" the girl replied in irritation.

"I thought we agreed that you are no longer allowed to skip meals for your experiments anymore" said the voice from the other side of the door "hunger effects your judgement."

"I don't wanna" whined the young women "I'm really close now!"

The door was slowly opened from the outside to reveal a mop of red hair and golden eyes looking at her in fond exasperation.

This is what Shirou Emiya usually walked into when getting home. Rin of course did not care about that as she looked back at him with blood shot eyes. The scent of fresh home made soup filled the air tempting Rin with it's tantalizing aroma but her stubbornness allowed her to push through her newly discovered hunger and remain where she was. Twelve hours of non-stop work would not be sullied over something as trivial as Shirou's cooking.

Not even the feeling of her stomach slowly digesting itself could convince her otherwise.

"So what is your project this time Rin?" asked Shirou having sensed her resolve.

"Why, I am glad you asked" said Rin with a smile before pulling out a jewel with the same flare expected from a used car salesman "this here jewel that I managed to get for free has the blueprints on a very invaluable artifact. Now eat it."

"Is that safe?" asked Shirou as he warily looked at the jewel.

"Don't look a gift horse in the mouth" said Rin avoiding the question entirely. It probably wasn't. Fortunately Shirou was very capable at surviving things that he really shouldn't and made for an invaluable test subject. His suffering had already saved her tens of thousands in the last month alone.

They really were all just minor experiments. Nothing too painful, really!

"Considering how highly magi tend to hold equivalent exchange" said Shirou with crossed arms "I think it is only natural to be suspicious of any free gifts."

"Huh" commented Rin as she stared at him wide eyed "you can be taught after all."

"…It's mostly that you are such a good teacher Rin" said Shirou his face completely straight without a hint of deception in his eyes.

"Of course I am" said Rin nodding her head in agreement "and that is why you do what I tell you to, right?"

"Yes" said Shirou reluctantly nodding his head.

"Good" said Rin holding out the jewel "now eat it."

With a grimace her minio- apprentice popped the jewel into his mouth and swallowed it whole. Something he had gained a lot of practice in his time studying under her.

Rin wondered just what kind of information the old vampire had put into it. She hadn't been stupid enough to allow Zelretch direct access to her own mind and had instead chosen to store his memories within a mana lattice matrix inside one of her jewels. There was little doubt that there would be some sort of a nasty surprise hidden in there as a test by the sorcerer. Fortunately, Shirou was far too simple minded for whatever complex traps Zelretch might have placed in the jewel.

With a blink Shirou processed the information transferred from the jewel to him and simply stared at her for several seconds. Rin subconsciously squirmed where she stood feeling embarrassed at his stare for reasons she couldn't quite identify. For some reason his stare made her feel… dirty.

"I see" said Shirou nodding his head before looking away "…stripes Rin, really?"

"What…?" asked Rin in confusion before her face suddenly reddened in realization and she too looked away to hide her now furiously blushing face. Embarrassment and feminine fury came to her in equal measures as she made a silent vow of vengeance. She was going to kill that vampire! It would be glorious! It would be brutal! And it would be oh so very satisfying!

Rin had severely underestimated the cunning trap laid before her by the ancient Dead Apostle Ancestor. Such a trap containing her image could be nothing less than super effective on her naive apprentice!

"We-well" said Rin before letting out a small cough to clear her throat "did you at least get the information on the mystic code?"

"Which one?" asked Shirou causing Rin to blink.

"There was more than one?" asked Rin in surprise.

"Several" said Shirou lifting his hand up to count off his fingers "there are blueprints on how to make something called Kaleidosticks, synthetic Kyber crystals, a Jeweled Sword, a-"

"The Jeweled Sword" interrupted Rin with a small grin of triumph before turning contemplative "…what exactly do the other objects do?"

The term Kaleidostick sounded oddly familiar to her and not in a good way. The repressed memories sort of way.

"I don't know" said Shirou with a shrug "all I got were the blueprints. I didn't get any operating manuals or any of the objects history."

"Oh well" said Rin with a smile reminiscent of a cat that just ate the canary "I think its about time we got started anyway. This will be my greatest plan yet!"

"I see" said Shirou as he nodded to himself sagely "so this is how the world ends."

"Oh, shut it Shirou" said Rin as she lightly swatted his head.

"Well" mumbled Shirou rubbing his head "at least there is absolutely no way that things get any worse this time."

"Uh huh" said Rin rolling her eyes and pulling out a small crate of jewels before opening it.

"…Rin" asked Shirou a he stared into the crate blankly "how much did this all cost?"

"Lets just say" said Rin as she looked away twirling a strand of her hair "that we are now officially broke for the next two years even with the Tohsaka family's patent revenues so we better get this right on the first try or else."

"This must really mean a lot to you" stated Shirou as he looked towards her with determination "what do you need me to do?"

"Enter the magic circle and alter these jewels to follow the blueprint" said Rin as she smiled at her apprentice "I will take care of everything else."

"Trace On" said Shirou as he activated his magic circuits.

With a thunk a shredded tire shot into reality from nothingness and both magi stared for several seconds as the wheel rolled into a wall before falling on to its side.

"Shirou" questioned Rin as she turned to face her apprentice "what have we said about you hoarding in your Reality Marble?"

"…Not to" admitted Shirou "but in my defense it's not like you are any better. I have seen your room. And your basement. And your workshop. And your-"

"My room and basement don't contain priceless noble phantasms" replied Rin with narrowed eyes "it's the principle of the matter!"

"Then would it be okay if I removed the noble phantasms instead?" asked Shirou seriously "I would rather keep the cooking equipment."

"Sure" said Rin with a roll of her eyes "now about that Jeweled Sword?"

With a shrug Shirou entered the circle as Rin placed jewels of the highest purity onto their corresponding runes. As the one who would have to manage the materials at heir component levels for Shirou to alter along with keeping foreign prana from interfering with the ritual her job would be no less important than Shirou's.

Ever so slowly lattice after lattice formed until after what seemed like an eternity a dagger was formed. In reality, only several minutes had passed but that was besides the point. The Jeweled Sword of Zelretch had been remade. It wasn't perfect, but as far as Rin was concerned the ritual was a complete success.

"Rin" said Shirou as he stared at dagger "did you know that this sword allows for time travel?"

"It allows for a lot more than just that" stated Rin as she pocketed the dagger to carry on her person.

"I now have a sword that allows for time travel in my Reality Marble" said Shirou gravely "now my future selves can travel back in time to kill me."

"Shirou you are being ridiculous" said Rin as she stared at him incredulously "if your supposed future time traveling selves were going to kill you then they would have done so already. There is no way that they would wait until after you gained a sword that allows you to channel the freaking second magic."

"The same could be said about Archer challenging me to a death duel" pointed out Shirou flatly "there were plenty of times he could have killed me before then."

"…You're not going to let this go, are you?" asked Rin as she stared at her boyfriend with twitching eye brows.

"Out of the two of us" asked Shirou seriously "who is it that has practical experience dealing with their future time traveling selves tying to kill them? It's not paranoia if they really are out to get you."

"…This is just so messed up" said Rin shaking her head feeling detached from reality "I think I'm going to go for a walk to clear my head. That ritual was mentally draining and holding a discussion about paradoxes isn't going to make me feel any better."

"I'll go pack some of the dinner I made so that we can bring some with us" said Shirou retreating smartly as he headed off to the kitchen.

"I'll go get our coats" replied Rin to his retreating back with a shake of her head. The closet was not far in their modest two bedroom apartment and it did not take Rin long to get there. Only one thing stopped Rin. There was a monster in her closet and it was wearing batman themed pajamas.

"This closet is currently occupied" said Zelretch from where he stood eating from a small bowl of soup. It smelt suspiciously similar to the dinner Shirou had just finished making.

Without a word Rin closed the door in the Dead Apostle Ancestor's face. She was far too mentally drained to deal with that right now. Someday vengeance would come, but that day was not this day.

With a slouch in her gait Rin arrived at the apartment door where she waited for her apprentice. It did not take long for Shirou himself to arrive after her.

"I thought you said you were getting our coats?" asked Shirou holding a modest pack filled with much needed nourishments.

"I changed my mind" said Rin as she briskly walked past him and out the door "remind me to buy some holy water and wards when we get back."

"Ok" said Shirou unperturbed by the random non-sequitur "I have some ski masks in my pack that we can put on."

With a shrug Rin went ahead and put on a mask while Shirou did the same. Rin closed the door and activated the wards she had set up before leading Shirou down the corridor. As they walked down the stairs they passed by several groups of men also wearing ski masks who nodded to herself and Shirou by simple way of greetings. Apparently masks were now in style or it was a lot colder than she had thought. It was not long before they were out of the apartment.

The weather was definitely on the chilly side even though it was still only early Fall. Rin was already starting to regret her decision to not bring a coat. Hopefully a nice bowl of hot steaming soup would be enough to-

 ** _BOOM!_**

Shirou simply turned to her and stared with a single raised eyebrow.

"Shut up!" yelled Rin as her shoulders slumped "that might not have even been our room. I absolutely refuse to believe that that you have time travelers out to get you!"

CHÅ¶†£® £∏∂

In a remote region far removed from civilization there existed a parasitic hole in the collective reality marble of the 'Age of Man' that slowly ate away at the boundary of the worlds sphere of influence. This eldritch hole held within it a sleeping monstrosity beyond earthly origins and human understanding. The very entity thats mere existence eroded 'the reality of man.' Its skyscraper sized spider like body towered over the living crystal landscape as it slept waiting for its time. A time when all would tremble before its might and fury at the beckoning of Gaia's call.

That time had come.

'This will be my greatest plan yet!'

Dangerous words beyond mortal comprehension echoed throughout spacetime and the Universe itself sought to respond in kind. The fabric of the Universe inverted and pulled.

The crystal entity abruptly awoke confused as it sensed a tugging sensation as powers both great and terrifying sought to transplant its infinite being to another location. With but a 'thought' the spider connected to the Akashic swirl in search of 'information' on this unexpected turn of events.

The necessary information was downloaded directly and an assortment of images and voices entered the spiders 'mind.'

'At least there is absolutely no way that things get any worse this time.'

The type-mercury was left even more confounded at this new information and about the sudden change in the Worlds plans. Clearly the information gathered on the present era of the world was insufficient and proper context was needed.

Fortunately, neither the spider nor the Akashic swirl were limited by such petty concepts as 'time' or 'causality.' Past, present, and future were revealed before the crystalline form in their truest from as the possible histories of the world aligned along a single thread of fate. The spider saw many strange and unusual things that were to come and had come to pass and further things that were to simultaneously pass and come to be.

Within those visions the type-mercury saw craziness and lunacy that it wanted no part of.

With but a 'thought' the spider stopped the pull of the worlds summoning. Someday its time would come. That was not this day. Possibly not even in this story. But that time would come. Maybe. It would probably go ahead and wait until humans weren't around anymore. That sounded like a good plan.

Next Chapter: PETA files a formal complaint, a great many conspiracies occur, and Shirou goes on a… class field trip? Oh, my!


End file.
